The Analects
Do not do it to them
The one word he said would last a lifetime
Analects 15.24 and 12.2
Zigong asked for a single word to live by. The part worth noticing is that what came back was a prohibition.
What actually happened?
Zigong asked whether there was one word a person could act on all his life. The answer was shu, reciprocity: what you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others. The shape of it matters. A positive rule makes you guess what the other person wants, and the guess is usually your own preference in a costume. A prohibition asks only whether you would accept being on the receiving end. That question costs nothing to run, needs no information, and is very hard to get wrong.
A prohibition is cheaper to run
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you sounds warmer, but it assumes your taste is also theirs, and a great deal of damage is done inside that assumption. The negative form needs no knowledge of the other person, only honesty about yourself.
Pushing your own hours, your own way of talking and your own idea of a career onto the people below you is the positive rule at work.
It checks you, not them
The rule runs entirely on your side, so it survives every information gap. You may know nothing about the person in front of you. You always know what you would refuse. That is why it holds in any relationship at all.
Before sending the hard email, read it once as though it had landed in your own inbox. The step takes thirty seconds.
Reciprocity is a floor, not kindness
Shu is not forgiveness. It binds what you may do and asks nothing about how good you are. Treat it as a hard lower limit: you are allowed to fall short of generous, and you are not allowed to cross this.
Redundancies are never pleasant. How much notice, how it is said, whether you will vouch for them afterwards — calibrate each on whether you would accept it.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: about to make a decision about someone who does not get a vote in it.
Ask first: if I were the one it was being done to, could I accept it?
Where it goes wrong: deciding for someone else what is good for them out of your own preferences; or treating for your own good as a licence to cross the line.
Lines to keep
What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.
Is there one word to act on all your life?
Require much of yourself and little of others; resentment stays away.
Same situation, other people are asking
I'm about to decide something they have no say in.Do I come down hard on this or let it go?I have the power to decide this and I can't bring myself to use it.It's my call and they don't get a say · all 3 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.