Aristotle
Not the Same Kind of Friend
A bond falls apart when the thing holding it up is gone
Nicomachean Ethics, Book VIII chs. 3-4 (1156a-b) and ch. 13 (1162b); paraphrase, not quotation
First work out which kind of friend he was. Aristotle asks whether the bond came apart because he changed, or because it was never what you thought.
What actually happened?
In Book VIII of the Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle sorts friendship into three kinds: people who befriend you because you are useful, because you are pleasant company, or because they admire who you are. In the first two, he says, they do not love the person himself but what the person brings, so when the benefit goes or the pleasure fades, the bond goes with it. Only the third is for the person's own sake, and so only the third holds up over time. He adds that complaints and score-keeping turn up almost entirely in the first kind.
Three bonds, three supports
A useful bond rests on the benefit, a pleasant one on the enjoyment, and only the third rests on the person. When the support goes, the bond falls. Sometimes someone wronged you; sometimes the thing holding it up has simply left.
Two people grow close over one project; when it folds, the lunches stop too.
Most complaints come from the useful kind
He notes that grievances and reproaches arise mostly in friendships of utility, which is no surprise: each side feels it gives more and gets less. In that kind of bond, the sense of being short-changed is practically built in.
A year into running a shop together, each partner is sure they are the one doing more.
Name the kind before you name the wrong
If you thought it was the third kind and he only ever meant the first, that gap is where the sting comes from. Whether he lied to you is a separate question. Whether you took a transaction for a friendship comes first.
His warmth always showed up when you held something he needed. You were probably in the first kind all along.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: You feel betrayed, but looking back he was warmest when he needed something from you.
Ask first: What was holding this bond up? What was it on his side, and what on mine? Write both down and set them side by side.
Where it goes wrong: Using it to say he was only using you, so you had it coming. He does not say that. He says sort it first, so that what you expect and how you guard yourself stop being out of step. Being used is still being used, whatever you call it.
Lines to keep
When the support goes, the bond goes.
Complaints cluster in bonds built on use.
Same situation, other people are asking
He did it behind my back.I forgave it and I still can't get past it.I can't decide whether to stay.He took a piece out of me. Do I hit back?I was betrayed · all 7 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.