Aristotle
When a Friend Has Changed
First decide whether he put on a show or you misjudged him, then decide whether to end it
Nicomachean Ethics, Book IX ch. 3 (1165b-1166a); paraphrase, not quotation
He has changed, so what now? Aristotle asks when a friendship should end, and on what grounds.
What actually happened?
In Book IX Aristotle asks a very practical question: if a friend turns bad, must you stay his friend? He first separates two ways of being deceived. If you assumed he liked you for your character when he was after something else, the mistake is yours. But if he put on a show to fool you, you have every right to complain, more right than against someone who passes counterfeit coin, because what was taken from you is worth more. First decide whether you misjudged him or he deceived you; only then decide whether to end it.
Two ways of being fooled
If you misread him, the fault lies in treating something he never said as a promise. If he put on a front, the fault is his. Knowing which tells you whom to be angry with, and what to change next time.
You assumed he admired you; he never said so, he just liked talking about the project.
Rescue before rupture
His order is: first ask whether the person can be brought back. If he has merely drifted and can be recovered, help him mend his character before anything else, which he thinks closer to friendship than helping with money. Only when he is past saving do you end it.
A colleague starts padding numbers: say it to his face once; if he carries on, deal with him differently.
Keep a record of the old bond
When you do part, he says to allow something for the sake of the past friendship, unless the other person has become wicked to an extreme. That is not softness; it admits that something real once existed between you.
Former partners who still nod in the street and do not run each other down.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: A friend has left you cold and you are wondering whether to delete him from your life.
Ask first: Did he put on a show to fool me, or did I misread him? Can he still be brought back, or is he past saving? Write down both answers.
Where it goes wrong: Using it to say he fooled you but you once were friends, so you must forgive. He speaks of leaving some room, not of letting him off; where someone faked it to deceive you, he thinks your complaint is fair.
Lines to keep
Did he fool me, or did I misjudge him?
Help the one who can be saved before you cut him off.
Parting does not make the old years unreal.
Same situation, other people are asking
He did it behind my back.I forgave it and I still can't get past it.I can't decide whether to stay.He took a piece out of me. Do I hit back?I was betrayed · all 7 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.