Tending the Roots of Wisdom
Do not measure them by yourself
Where the sourness at good news comes from
Tending the Roots of Wisdom: do not use your own strength to show up another's weakness
Someone close does well and something in you goes cold. This asks where the book puts the root of it.
What actually happened?
Two clauses stand together: do not use your own strength to throw another's weakness into relief, and do not let your own clumsiness turn into resentment of another's skill. Side by side they describe one thing with two faces, hurrying to look strong and being unable to bear other people doing well. The verb in the first clause is the sharp part. Nothing unkind has to be said. You place yourself where you stand, and the other person becomes the short one.
Throwing into relief is placement, not insult
You can show up somebody's weakness without one hard word: keep steering the conversation back onto the ground you are best on, and he shrinks by himself. People who do this rarely notice doing it. People it is done to do not forget a single instance.
Notice whether you keep bending the conversation back to your own strong subject, and then stop.
Envy comes from your gap, not from his gift
He reverses the causation. It is not that he is so good and therefore you ache; it is that this square of yours is empty and therefore his doing well stings. Seeing that puts the effort somewhere useful, because filling your own square is cheaper than watching his.
When it stings, ask which square he is good in and whether yours is empty. If it is, go and fill it.
After you speak, did he shrink or did the work move
This is a test you can run on the spot. The same piece of feedback can push the work forward or can simply leave the other person looking incapable, and privately you know which one you did. If it is often the second, the thing missing is not tact.
Take one second before speaking: after this sentence, has the work moved, or has he got smaller?
How do I use it today?
Where you are: someone near you pulled it off, you congratulated them, and something inside went flat.
Ask first: which square is he good in, and is mine empty? How many things I said this month left someone looking smaller?
Where it goes wrong: reading it as envy is forbidden — he did not forbid it, he said look at where it comes from; and these two clauses are addressed to yourself, not for accusing other people of pettiness.
Lines to keep
Hurrying to look strong and resenting another's success share one root.
Not that he is too good, but that this square of yours is empty.
After you speak: did the work move, or did he shrink?
Same situation, other people are asking
My friend is doing well and I feel sick about it.Why am I always measuring myself against someone?That kind of person makes my blood go up on sight.Someone close to me did well and I went cold inside.I can't stand other people's good news · all 4 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.