Family and relationships
John Gottman
Four fatal signals
John Gottman (1994 · University of Washington) — Four fatal signals.
What actually happened?
The ninety per cent needs a caveat, and it is the honest part of this entry. Those figures come largely from models fitted to the same data they were then measured on, which inflates accuracy; independent prospective tests have come out lower. What survives the criticism is the direction, not the number: contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling really do predict worse outcomes, and contempt really is the strongest of the four. Treat it as a set of things to watch for in yourself, not as an instrument.
Criticism and complaint are different things
A complaint targets behaviour and can be solved. Criticism targets character and can only be defended. Many people think they're raising an issue while every sentence defines the other person — which is how one problem runs for ten years.
Contempt is the strongest single signal
Eye-rolling, mockery, mimicking their tone. It differs from anger: anger is about the event, contempt says the person is unworthy. It destroys the foundation rather than one conversation.
Repair succeeds on the ordinary days
Happy couples aren't the ones who don't fight; they're the ones who reach for the brake and have it taken. Whether it gets taken depends on the balance built up beforehand — roughly five positive interactions to one negative in stable relationships.
How do I use it today?
When the same thing gets fought about and every round escalates, check the last sentence you said: was it about the event or about the person? Any sarcasm? Were you explaining or returning the ball? And notice whether they offered a way out that you didn't take — taking it is harder than offering it, and it is where most of this stalls.
Deep read
Read alongside
Further
Lines to keep
The strongest single predictor of divorce is contempt.
Criticism targets the person. A complaint targets the act.
Happy couples aren't the ones who don't fight. They repair.