The Book of Rites
Open the way; don't walk it for him
Guide without dragging: what is dragged through is soon dropped
The Book of Rites, 'Record of Learning', the passages on bad teaching, on guiding, and on when to tell
I've explained it over and over, he still can't do it, and in the end I do it myself. This chapter asks why handing over the answer fails to teach.
What actually happened?
The 'Record of Learning' paints the classrooms of its day. Teachers drone over their bamboo slips, fire off question after question and push on regardless of whether anyone is keeping up. They do not draw on the student's sincerity or bring out his gifts. It records the result as well: students hide what they have learned, resent the teacher, feel only the difficulty and see no use in it. Though they finish the course, they drop it quickly.
Guide, don't drag
Show him where the road is, but don't pull him along it by the hand. Someone dragged along moves his feet because you move yours, and his mind stays behind. The relationship sours too: what he remembers is the pulling, not the road.
His homework is slow, so you sit beside him and read out every question.
Urge, don't press down
You can push and raise the bar. Don't hold him down or leave him feeling that whatever he does is wrong. What you press down turns into dread of the thing itself, which is where 'feeling only the difficulty and seeing no use' comes from.
You cover a new hire's first draft in red, and there is no second draft.
Open the way, don't walk it to the end
Push the door open a crack and leave the last steps to him. Finishing the answer for him saves time today. The moment he gets there himself is the part of the lesson that actually stays with him.
Someone asks you what to do. First ask where they think they're stuck.
When he can't even ask, then tell him
Wait until he has tried and cannot even frame the question; then explain. If he still doesn't get it, you may leave it for now. Learners fail in opposite directions, too: some take on too much, some too little, some too lightly, some stop. The same advice must be turned around for each.
Your child is stuck. Wait for him to ask instead of explaining the moment he frowns.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: you've explained it many times, he still gets it wrong, and you lose patience and do it yourself or hand him the answer. Next time he comes back to you.
Ask first: did I hand over a road this time, or a destination? Did he walk the last few steps himself?
Where it goes wrong: reading it as 'say nothing, let him work it out'. The text never says don't teach. It says guide, urge and open first, and tell him plainly once he can't even ask. Letting go comes after you have opened the door.
Lines to keep
Open the way. Don't walk it to the end for him.
What someone is dragged through, they soon drop.
Same situation, other people are asking
I've said it a hundred times and it still doesn't happen.How much am I supposed to step in?Every single thing I say comes back at me.Saying it again has never once worked.My kid won't listen · all 10 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.