Thomas Gordon
The I-message
Say the effect, not the character
Parent Effectiveness Training
The same event, said one way, starts a fight; said another, starts action. Where the structural difference is.
What actually happened?
Gordon studied under Carl Rogers and turned his teacher's clinical stance into steps ordinary parents could learn. The core tool is the I-message, in three parts: the specific behaviour, its actual effect on me, and how I feel. Use an I-message, not a you-message: say what this does to me, not what kind of person you are. It works because no part of it judges the other person, so there's nothing to defend against, and the effect is a fact they can't argue with. Most people's default is the you-message — you're so careless, you never help — and every one of those defines the person.
All three parts, or it doesn't work
Behaviour alone is a statement. Feeling alone is emotion. Only with all three does the other person see why it needs to change. The part most often dropped is the middle one — the actual effect — and that is exactly where the persuasion lives.
'Things on the stairs, I can't see them carrying a box and I'll fall, and that worries me.' All three, and it gets moved.
The effect has to be real and concrete
If you can't name an actual effect, this may be a preference of yours rather than a problem. That makes the step a filter as well: when you can't fill it in, ask yourself why you're insisting.
Their room is messy and it affects nobody. No effect to name means it's a difference of taste, not a problem.
An I-message isn't a softened accusation
'I feel you're being selfish' wears the word I and is still a you-message. The test is the subject and the content: are you describing your state or what kind of person they are? The first can't be denied; the second guarantees an argument.
'I feel fobbed off' still names their motive. 'I'm getting anxious' is your own state.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: you need to raise something and you've been holding several sentences in.
Ask first: what is the specific behaviour? What is the actual effect on me? What do I feel? Is there a part I can't fill in?
Where it goes wrong: memorising the three parts as a script and reusing it — people hear the template. What matters is that the content is true, not that the sentence is well-formed.
Lines to keep
Say what this does to me, not what kind of person you are.
No effect you can name may mean a preference, not a problem.
Most people's default is the you-message, and each one defines them.