Lin Xiangru
He turned his carriage aside
Giving way is not the same as being afraid
Records of the Grand Historian, Lives of Lian Po and Lin Xiangru
Someone has said in public that he will humiliate you. You keep stepping aside and your own people call it cowardice. How do you tell the difference?
What actually happened?
Back from the meeting at Mianchi, Lin Xiangru was made senior minister, ranked above the general Lian Po. Lian Po said he had taken cities and won battles while Lin had only used his tongue, and was low-born besides; when they met, he would disgrace him. From then on Lin pleaded illness on court days, and when he saw Lian Po in the street he turned his carriage aside. His retainers threatened to leave. Is General Lian more fearsome than the King of Qin? he asked. Qin dares not attack Zhao only because the two of us are here.
Ask what the two of you hold
What he weighed while hiding was one sentence: Qin leaves Zhao alone because both of us are here, and when two tigers fight, one does not survive. He did not ask whether his pride could take it. He asked whether what they held together would still stand afterwards.
In an open clash with the colleague you carry the project with, ask first: once we tear into each other, who is happiest?
Fear or restraint: look elsewhere
His retainers read retreat as fear. His answer was a fact: in Qin's hall he held the jade against a pillar, and at Mianchi he faced down the king himself. A man who has not backed down before a stronger enemy is not afraid when he yields to his own side.
The negotiator who never budges with clients can give up a seat in an internal meeting and nobody calls it weakness. Someone who never held firm is just giving way.
Silence leaves him a road back
Lin did not argue his case to Lian Po or strike back; he told only his retainers why. It reached Lian Po, who came to Lin's gate bare-backed, carrying thorns, to apologise, and the two became friends for life. One retort, and there would have been no way back.
When someone makes a threat, don't take the bait and don't trash them behind their back. Explain yourself to the people who should hear it.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: someone in the same boat as you picks a public fight, you keep giving way, and people read it as weakness.
Ask first: if we fight, does what the two of us hold together survive? And have I held firm anywhere else?
Where it goes wrong: the other person wants your position, not an apology, and every step back invites the next push; or you give way everywhere, and this time too it is just fear.
Lines to keep
When two tigers fight, one of them does not survive.
The state's emergency first, my private quarrel second.
Dull as I am, would I be afraid of General Lian?
Same situation, other people are asking
Splitting the money is going to blow up on us.We never wrote it down and now we remember it differently.I want out, and the work still has to get done.After all this, can we still work together?My partner and I are falling out · all 5 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.