Virginia Satir
The iceberg: layers under the act
The fight is happening on the surface
The Satir model
The same argument for ten years and no movement. The reason is that it is being had on the wrong layer.
What actually happened?
Satir splits a person into the behaviour above the waterline and, below it, feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings and the self. Conflict happens almost entirely on the surface and is settled underneath: his anger is behaviour, under it sits disappointment, and under that sits I want to be treated as though I matter. Argue about who is right at the surface and it never ends, because the sentence at the surface was never the point. The problem is not the problem; coping is the problem is her own summary of the whole method.
Look for the expectation under the words
A partner complains that you come home late. On the face of it this is scheduling; underneath it is usually where do I rank in this house. Answer the face of it and you are in an argument about calendars. Answer the expectation and the conversation turns.
All you care about is work does not want the reply that is not true. It wants: have you been feeling left behind lately?
Under the feeling there is a reading
Many people think naming the feeling is the end of the work, but feelings are produced by readings. The same late arrival, read as he does not care about me and read as he is flat out today, makes two different feelings. What often needs changing is the reading.
A remark that ruined your whole day: ask what you took it to mean, and whether a second reading also fits the same facts.
The yearning layer is common ground
The further down you go the more alike people are: to be loved, accepted, of some worth. Two people locked in opposition at the surface usually want the same thing three layers down. Seeing that layer takes the hostility out of a room faster than any argument.
Parents pushing marriage and a child refusing look like enemies. Below: I want your life to go well, and I want to be treated as an adult.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: the same argument keeps coming back and reasoning does not touch it.
Ask first: what feeling sits under that sentence, and what expectation sits under the feeling? Which layer am I answering?
Where it goes wrong: using the iceberg to analyse the other person. What you really want is attention is a verdict, not understanding.
Lines to keep
The conflict is on the surface. The solution is underneath.
Further down we are alike: loved, accepted, worth something.
Same situation, other people are asking
We've had this same fight a hundred times.I said something I can't take back. Can this be fixed?We are not having the same conversation.Once it starts, neither of us can stop it.We keep fighting · all 8 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.