Donald Winnicott
A Joy to Be Hidden
The closed door is not a refusal of you
Winnicott, 'Communicating and Not Communicating' (1963)
Your child shuts the bedroom door and will not say a word. Do you go in, or leave him alone? Winnicott's answer is that the question has two halves.
What actually happened?
Think of hide-and-seek. A child squeezes into a cupboard, holds her breath, heart pounding, and it is a great pleasure. But if she stays hidden a long time and nobody comes, the pleasure sours into something else: a child alone in the dark. Winnicott treats the game as a picture of what older children do with closed doors. "It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found."
A closed door is often a place being made
Growing up needs somewhere that belongs to you alone and is not inspected. Silence, a shut door, a phone held face down are mostly the building of that place, and that is healthy. The worry is not that he hides; it is that he hides and finds no one wanted to look.
She goes straight to her room after school. Skip 'what happened?' Knock three times and say: 'Dinner's ready, and I'm here when you want to talk.'
To look is not to search
He held that everyone has a core that does not communicate with anyone, and that it should not be broken into. Reading the diary or the messages, even from worry, teaches the child to hide better next time. Being found means being thought about, not being investigated.
You read his phone, found nothing, and said nothing. From that day he talks less and you worry more.
Keep both ends: do not barge in, do not walk away
The child wants two things at once, to hide and to be found. It is a bind with no solution, so the parent's job is to hold both ends: no pushing the door, no turning your back. Adults who shut themselves in are living the same bind.
You tell a friend 'leave me alone,' then check your phone three times to see whether anyone wrote. That checking is waiting to be found.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: a child, or you, has shut the door, and you cannot tell whether to go in or step back.
Ask first: is what I am about to do telling him someone is here, or checking whether he is all right?
Where it goes wrong: turning 'do not intrude' into 'do not care.' The door can stay shut, but he has to know you are outside it and can wait.
Lines to keep
Hiding is a pleasure. Never being found is a disaster.
To be found is to be thought about, not searched.
The person behind the closed door is listening for footsteps.
Same situation, other people are asking
Nothing to do all day, so I argue with people in my head.I don't want to do anything right now.I lost. Is there anything here worth keeping?I don't want to see anyone, and being alone hurts too.I'm at the bottom · all 7 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.