Question 1

Q: What did this one leave behind?

Accepted Answer

A British paediatrician who became a psychoanalyst. He worked in a London children's hospital for forty years, listening to mothers as much as examining their children, and during the war he spoke to ordinary mothers on the radio. His best-known terms, the good-enough mother, the transitional object, the true and false self, the capacity to be alone, all come from one observation: a child becomes himself next to a particular, imperfect person. He is often quoted as saying there is no such thing as a baby, meaning that wherever you find a baby you find someone caring for it. This page takes only his account of how a person becomes herself in someone else's company, and leaves out his…

Question 2

Q: What actually happened?

Accepted Answer

In the clinic he saw one scene over and over: a two-year-old gripping a filthy, threadbare blanket and refusing to put it down even in the consulting room. The grown-ups wanted to wash it, and the child crumpled in tears. Winnicott called it a transitional object, the first possession that is neither me nor mother, and held that it carries the child across to being alone. His advice was plain: do not wash it, at least not before the child is ready. To you it is a rag. To the child it holds all of his sense of safety.

Question 3

The parts · Good enough is not second best; it fails by degrees

Accepted Answer

His good-enough mother starts out adapting almost completely to the baby, then fails a little at a time, within what the child can bear. Those small failures are how a child learns to wait, and learns that the world does not revolve around him. Perfect care would not raise someone who can face disappointment. e.g. Your child wants you to look at his drawing this second, and you are cooking. You say 'when I turn off the heat.' He waits a minute and learns that he matters and so does everything else.

Question 4

The parts · The old blanket is a bridge

Accepted Answer

The child chooses the transitional object, and nobody else can replace it. It is old and dirty because he never lets go of it, and washing out its smell cuts something in his experience. Your job is to recognise how much it matters and carry it along. e.g. Going on a long trip, pack the worn rabbit before any of the new toys.

Question 5

The parts · Holding: take all of it and do not change your face

Accepted Answer

He used 'holding' for a carer who takes everything the child does, the crying, the rage, the mess, steadily in her hands, without flinching or turning cold. A child who has been held dares to hand over the parts of himself that are not pretty, because it has not made anyone leave. e.g. He is so angry he throws a cup. Stop his hand, do not call him bad, and talk about the cup when he has calmed down.

Question 6

The parts · Look at the people around him before the child

Accepted Answer

'There is no such thing as a baby' means do not look at the child alone. How a child is doing is largely how he and his carer are doing together. Before changing him, ask whether the person looking after him is tired, whether she can bear it, and whether anyone is looking after her. e.g. The child has been unusually clingy for two weeks. Before correcting him, check whether someone at home has been worn out.

Question 7

Q: How do I use it today?

Accepted Answer

Pick something you have lately felt a child, partner or colleague was getting wrong. Write three lines: am I helping him bear this, or removing it for him; am I present in mind as well as in the room; have I walked into the small patch he has just marked out for himself because I could not stand not knowing. Then add one thing for today that is presence without interference, such as sitting beside him and asking nothing.

Question 8

Lines to keep

Accepted Answer

Perfect care does not raise someone who can face disappointment. The blanket a child clutches is a bridge to being alone. To change the child, first ask who is holding him up.

Question 9

Q: What should I read alongside?

Accepted Answer

Attachment Theory — Both are about having someone near in early life. Bowlby asks whether that person is reliable, so the child dares to go far; Winnicott asks whether, when she is there, she can leave him room to be alone for a while. Carl Rogers — Rogers teaches you to step toward the other person and say back what he feels, so he feels understood. Winnicott adds a line: sometimes the right thing is not to ask, but to let him know someone is outside the door and willing to wait until he comes out himself.

Question 10

Further

Accepted Answer

Attachment Theory Carl Rogers Virginia Satir Alfred Adler

Donald Winnicott

What actually happened?

Good enough is not second best; it fails by degrees

The old blanket is a bridge

Holding: take all of it and do not change your face

Look at the people around him before the child

How do I use it today?

Deep read

Read alongside

Further

Lines to keep