We're not the child who tells the truth — we're the whole court of ministers
Indirect language isn't hypocrisy; it's the technology of maintaining relationships. It lets both sides save face, but the price is that some things never get said — until tragedy strikes.
The video won't play here. Listen to the audio instead:
The argument · tap a timestamp to hear it
A fundraising dinner and a date run the same script
Pinker was pulled in by Harvard's president to have dinner with an ultra-high-net-worth individual to raise money. Both men knew the dinner was about asking for money, but neither could mention money. Pinker compares the dinner to being single and going on a date: both sides know what's eventually going to happen, but saying it outright ruins the mood. They talked all evening about the genome project, brain development, the troubles of universities, and the money question was left to the "my people will contact your people" stage. His conclusion: language does two things at once — it conveys information, and it establishes a relationship: are we transaction partners, friends, or superior and subordinate. And what people fear most is being treated as a purely transactional relationship.
— Steven Pinker"Bless your heart" is a swear word
In 2016 Trump tweeted that the people of South Carolina were ashamed of Nikki Haley, and Haley replied only with "bless your heart." Pinker explains that the phrase is literally a blessing but in practice an insult wrapped in diplomacy. Its cleverness is that it doesn't take the bait: it doesn't step into the insult-match the other side set up, but uses a line that doesn't fit the context to force listeners to draw the inference themselves — she wasn't hurt, she's confident enough not to need to respond. Pinker says humans understand indirect language through the "principle of relevance and cooperation": the listener asks, why would he say this sentence, which can explain the current situation?
— Steven PinkerPrivate truths corrode the norms public relationships rest on
In 2011, on a hot mic, Obama told Sarkozy that Netanyahu was a nuisance, and Sarkozy went further, saying "I can't stand him, he's a liar." Pinker quotes the journalist Michael Kinsley's old line: in Washington, a gaffe is defined as a politician telling the truth. The incident nearly became an international affair, even though everyone knew it was true. Pinker points to a paradox: for a negotiation to succeed, both sides are better off feeling they're in a communal relationship, which lubricates "getting to a deal"; but once leaders' private truths leak out, they erode the very norms their public relationship depends on.
— Steven Pinker"Said out loud" and "each knowing" are two different things
In When Harry Met Sally, Harry compliments Sally's looks too much, and Sally says "you've already said it, you can't take it back." Pinker uses this to distinguish "common knowledge" from "privately knowing": two adult members of the opposite sex both know a sexual thought may have flickered through the other's mind, but each can pretend not to know what the other is thinking. Once it's said in plain words, it becomes common knowledge and can never be denied again. That is the core function of indirect language — preserving deniability.
— Steven PinkerMob threats and bribing a cop use the same trick
In The Sopranos, a mobster pays for candy in a shop for a man who once served on a jury, saying "we know you'll do the right thing." Pinker unpacks it: on the surface it's a blessing, but the actual threat is "if you convict little Soprano, we hurt your family." Its power lies in its "plausible deniability" — if challenged, the mobster can say he was just wishing an old friend good luck. Pinker stresses that the key to deniability is that speaker and listener need different thresholds of credibility: obvious enough for the listener, vague enough for a court. Likewise, bribing a cop by saying "is there any way to avoid all that paperwork" is far safer than handing over cash directly.
— Steven PinkerSlipping the maître d' cash, nobody says "this is a bribe"
The writer Bruce Feiler was sent by a magazine to bribe maître d's at hot New York restaurants for a better table. He had feared being told "what kind of place do you think this is," but he succeeded every time. His method was to hold a $20 bill in his peripheral vision, not looking at the money, looking the maître d' in the eye, and saying "I wonder if you have any cancellations" and "tonight matters a lot to me." Pinker explains that a blunt transaction would strip the maître d' of authority — they wear formal wear, they have the power to assign tables, that's their dignity. An indirect offer both gives the other side room to refuse and spares both parties embarrassment.
— Steven PinkerKorean Air 801: when it was time to speak plainly, nobody did
In the 1997 Korean Air 801 crash, both the first officer and the flight engineer realized the plane was losing altitude and might crash, but the captain was the authority, so they only hinted that something was wrong instead of shouting "we're going to crash, wake up, let us take over." Pinker says this is the moment indirect language turns from lubricant into something cruel, tragic and unjust. He then criticizes the "radical honesty" movement: if everyone said every thought in their head, there would be no long-term stable cooperative relationships. He quotes the 17th-century French philosopher Pascal: if everyone said what was in their heart, there wouldn't be four friends left in the world.
— Steven PinkerPinker tried it himself and was scared off by two maître d's
While walking with his wife along the Brooklyn waterfront, she challenged him: you have a theory, don't you — go try the River Cafe. He happened to have $50 in his pocket, but when he got to the maître d' stand he found two maître d's, both elegantly dressed, both smiling at him. He realized that if he hinted to one, the other would see through it instantly. So he slipped away, and the two of them walked a long time before finding another restaurant with a table. This failure case shows that indirect language needs the right stage — with too big an audience, the play can't go on.
— Steven PinkerIn their own words · checked verbatim
Language has to do two things at once. It's a channel of communication. Bits and bytes are exchanged for particular purposes, sharing information, negotiating agreements. At the same time, it establishes a particular kind of social relationship.
Steven Pinker7:54
the definition of a gaffe in Washington is when a politician says something that's true
Steven Pinker23:09
Nobody told me that I could be anonymous and tell people.
Larry David30:24
if everyone said what was on their minds, there would not be four friends in the world
Steven Pinker45:13
we long for honesty, candor, not role playing and beating around the bush, just saying what we mean, but really we would not tolerate it
Steven Pinker47:17
Figures
| The fundraising target Pinker was asked to dine for | hundreds of millions of dollars | 6:52 |
| The naming-donation figure Pinker cites as an example | $150 million | 7:54 |
| The bill Bruce Feiler used to bribe the maître d' | $20 | 35:33 |
| The bill in Pinker's pocket when his wife challenged him | $50 | 48:17 |
Glossary
- common knowledge
- Not just that I know, but that I know you know, and you know I know you know.
- plausible deniability
- Leaving room in what you say so that, if challenged, you can deny you meant it.
- theory of mind
- The ability to infer what's going on in someone else's head.
- humblebrag
- Showing off through self-deprecation or understatement.
How to listen
Founders and investors interested in language, negotiation and the unspoken rules of social life; anyone who regularly has to raise money, sell, or manage up and down.
The opening promotion for the new YouTube channel can be skipped.