When a Friend Kicks Your Kid Out of the Group, the Problem Isn't Your Kid — It's the Group
Friendship conflict isn't about something the kid did wrong; it's a group shoring itself up by squeezing a member out — and what parents can offer is perspective, not a fight on their behalf.
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In middle school social life, cruelty is the shortest path to power
Lisa explains why kids care so intensely about social power at this stage: they've left the shore of family and are swimming toward the shore of real friendship, suspended in between, and very anxious. And in middle school, the shortest route to social power is showing "I'm willing to be mean to people" — because not everyone can do it. Among boys this meanness often shows up as "joking," which is a trap: the words cut, but if you react, you're the one who can't take a joke. The targeted kid is left with three bad options: join in, pretend not to care, or show that it hurt — and showing that it hurt invites more punishment.
— Dr. Lisa DeMoorThe difference between bullying and conflict is whether you can defend yourself
Psychology's definition of bullying is very specific: one child is targeted by another child or a group of children and cannot protect themselves. Everything else is conflict — say, not getting along at school, where this kid has the upper hand on Monday and that kid has it on Tuesday. Lisa says there's no single cause of kid bullying, but you can see several: some kids are treated this way elsewhere (at home, or in another relationship) and develop a "give it or take it" worldview; some get a taste of social power and act like they're drunk on it; and some are simply bored, with nothing to do, so they stir something up.
— Dr. Lisa DeMoorFriends vanish because they don't want to be the next one pushed off
Lisa uses the shore-and-raft metaphor to explain why friends collectively disappear when a kid is targeted: middle schoolers are in the water between two shores, all looking for a raft. This kid has just been pushed off the raft, and the other friends look around thinking "I don't want to be next." So they choose self-preservation — "I'm sorry you're drowning, but if someone has to drown, it should still be you." Lisa says this isn't specific to boys; kids of every gender do it. She also observes that some kids try out one mean remark, suddenly find all the social power flowing toward them and everyone starting to fear them, and so "almost accidentally get a taste of power" — and then keep doing it.
— Dr. Lisa DeMoorThink of the friend group as a molecule, and the kicked-out kid as the atom
A mother writes in that her 15-year-old daughter was dropped by her entire friend group with no explanation. Lisa's approach is first to help the kid "not take it so personally" — because of course it feels intensely personal. The framework she offers: think of the social group as a chemical compound, with each kid an atom. Some compounds are stable and everyone gets along; some aren't. Say the group has four other atoms besides this kid, and they decide "I know how to stabilize this — kick that atom out and our bonds get stronger." So the girl becomes a free-floating atom, and the group reinforces its own bond by excluding her. Lisa says the gift parents can give an adolescent is "perspective": being dropped by friends at 15 feels like the end of the world, but as a middle-aged parent you know it will be a bad chapter in a very long book.
— Dr. Lisa DeMoorWhen kids want out of a friendship, they rally the whole group to push first
Lisa says kids' instinct for exiting a friendship backfires: they don't want to be friends with this kid anymore, but they also don't want to lose everyone else in the group, so they start pulling the whole group to their side and pushing the kid out together — "I want to end this friendship, but I don't want to lose all the other kids along with it, so let's make it a group siege." This is often why a kid gets ejected from the group with no ceremony at all. In another version, the other kid keeps texting "Can I come over?" or "Want to hang out?", the kid feels awkward, and the common bad move is to say "sure" and then cancel at the last minute, or just not reply. Lisa's suggested strategy is to "blame the parents": say tonight is busy, my mom has something going on — and do reply, but don't promise "I'll call you when I'm free."
— Dr. Lisa DeMoorBeing polite to someone you don't want to hang out with isn't two-faced
Lisa says kids need to be told: a friendship not being good forever doesn't mean it was never good. Life has chapters, and you can point out which of your own friendships belonged to a certain phase and faded as life unfolded — that's true for us and true for kids, and it doesn't mean the kid is bad, mean or cruel, just that relationships evolve over time. She also addresses the pressure in girls' world to "be real": if I'm nice to her but don't want to bring her along on the weekend, I get called two-faced. Lisa says to break that idea — this is called manners. She uses adults as the example: you and I have worked in places with lots of colleagues, some of whom drive us crazy, but when they walk into the break room we don't say "I'm not talking to you because I find you unlikable" — we say "Hey, how's the family?"
— Dr. Lisa DeMoorYou only see one or two dimensions of your kid's social life
Lisa's reminder for parents: we know very little about the complexity of our kids' social lives, even when we think we know. She pictures the seventh-grade lunchroom, where the action happens across "50 dimensions," and the kid comes home and tells you about one or two. So any time we want to coach, intervene, or even make a phone call, we have to remember: we are still 48 dimensions away from what actually happened. The goal, then, is mainly to ask questions, seek guidance and stay open-minded — we rarely have the whole story, and we should never forget that.
— Dr. Lisa DeMoorIn their own words · checked verbatim
they've left the shore of the comfort of their family life. They are working towards the shore of pure connections. They are very anxious. And unfortunately, Rena, in middle school, the shortest route to social power is to demonstrate the willingness to be mean, because not everybody will do it.
Dr. Lisa DeMoor2:05
bullying is when a kid is targeted by another kid or a group of kids and is unable to defend themselves. Everything else we call conflict.
Dr. Lisa DeMoor4:07
I don't want to be next. I don't want to be next. I don't want to be the one pushed off the raft into the water. So I'm going to save myself and buddy, I hate that you are drowning, but if it's me drowning or you drowning, I'm going with you.
Dr. Lisa DeMoor9:23
let's say there were four other atoms in this group, right, besides this child. And they decided, oh, I know how to stabilize. Let's kick out that atom and that will strengthen our bonds.
Dr. Lisa DeMoor12:34
just because a friendship isn't good forever doesn't mean it was never good.
Dr. Lisa DeMoor19:51
I think we need to disabuse our kids of the idea that this is two faced. I think we're going to call it polite.
Dr. Lisa DeMoor20:53
the activity in that lunchroom is happening in, like, 50 dimensions. And our kid comes home and tells us one or two dimensions. And any time we want to guide them or weigh in or maybe make a phone call, we want to remember we are 48 dimensions short of understanding what was really going on in that situation.
Dr. Lisa DeMoor21:56
Figures
| Age of the girl dropped by her friends | 15 | 11:31 |
| Number of dimensions Lisa estimates for lunchroom social activity | 50 dimensions, of which the kid reports only one or two | 21:56 |
| What kids actually need for social support | One good friend, one adult who cares about them, and confirmation that "this is normal" | 23:03 |
Glossary
- relational aggression
- Using social means (exclusion, rumor-spreading) rather than physical force to hurt someone.
How to listen
Parents with kids aged 10-16 who are anxious about their child's friend-group conflicts or their child being excluded.
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