Forcing a twenty-year-old to grow on your terms may plant seeds for a midlife crisis
A clinical psychologist points out: twenty-somethings who have dropped out but are already working are actually in better circumstances than most families with adult children at home; the real decision about whether to force a child back to school has always been the child's, not the parents'.
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A daughter working from home isn't as dire as it seems
McConville's first reaction to the letter was ‘this isn't as bad as it gets.’ In the ‘failure to launch’ families he treats, about 65–70 percent of children do nothing constructive after leaving college—loiter at home, rely on friends, or work a couple of shifts a week just for spending money and marijuana money. The daughter in the letter is at least working, which already puts her ahead of similar cases; parents don't have to treat this as complete failure.
— McConvilleHalf the population doesn't feel like adults until 26.5
Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett surveyed over ten thousand people ages 18–30, including a question: ‘I feel like I'm an adult,’ with five response options. McConville calls this his favorite statistic in behavioral science: not until 26.5 did half of respondents report ‘feeling like an adult at least half the time.’ The twenty-year-old in the letter who ‘acts like a high schooler’ still has a long way to go before adult identity feels normal—and that itself is ordinary.
— McConvilleADHD children follow two paths: push through or develop spikes
McConville distinguishes two types of ADHD children: the ‘hero’ kind knows their organizing skills and time management are weak but pushes through every day with tutoring and schedules anyway. The other kind gets called on in class, can't answer, is asked to turn in papers they've never heard of, faces public embarrassment, and eventually grows ‘spikes on their shoulders’—they start feeling targeted by teachers, demand stricter standards from themselves, then give up entirely and their grades collapse.
— McConvilleWhether a child returns to school is the child's decision
McConville's standard: if the child wants to return to school, the parent's role is to provide support; if the child has made clear they're ‘done with school,’ trying to push them back probably won't work—the child always holds the real power in these situations. He also warns that pushing someone toward adulthood on the parent's timeline rather than the child's own may be planting seeds for a midlife crisis that won't bloom until they're forty or fifty.
— McConvilleTo spot if marijuana is a problem: watch whether conversations keep circling
Lisa identifies a signal: if your conversations with your child about marijuana feel like riding a carousel—each time it seems like you've gotten through and made progress, but nothing actually changes and you're back to the same talk—that's a warning sign. McConville adds that he's seen many children who started smoking at thirteen or fourteen who by eighteen or nineteen still have the cognitive and emotional maturity of a fourteen-year-old; a common result is that cognitive and emotional development gets ‘stuck.’
Don't ask how much they drink; ask if they're worried
Lisa shares her approach: years ago she learned not to ask ‘how much do you drink, or when,’ because that's basically forcing the kid to lie. Now she asks directly ‘are you worried about your drinking?’ Many children will say ‘actually I am kind of worried,’ and the conversation suddenly gains traction; if they say they're not worried, she doesn't push, just says she's keeping the door open and they can tell her if they get worried. McConville calls this respecting the child's agency, not interrogation.
— LisaFamily culture beats rules for establishing expectations
McConville tells the story of his granddaughter's missing homework. Her father called her into his study and said calmly, ‘This isn't how we do things. Everyone in our family has a job, and yours is being a student’—no lectures, no punishment lists, just embedding educational values into family culture itself; she later became an honors student. He also recalls asking as an advisor at an Orthodox Jewish school ‘what punishment do children get for not wearing the kippah?’ The three rabbis looked at each other blankly: ‘That doesn't happen here.’ Real power never comes from rules, always from culture.
— McConvilleYour brain was made for the real world, not classrooms
On the shame ADHD brings, McConville shares something he often tells children: some brains are built for school, yours is built for the real world. Two hundred years ago, you would naturally find what you're good at and be treasured and respected for it; sadly, you live in an era when everyone must get through the entire school system first. He describes himself as ‘honor roll ADD,’ and this framing replaces the shame narrative of ‘I'm broken’ with something else entirely.
— McConvilleIn their own words · checked verbatim
So sometimes people ask me if there's like a hack or a trick to connect with teenagers. And actually there is. It's just three words. Take them seriously.
Lisa0:00
It's not until 26 and a half years old that half of his subjects reported feeling like an adult half of the time.
McConville13:26
If you take a 20-year-old and you get them to develop and grow up by your agenda, the parents' agenda, rather than their own agenda, what you may be setting up is a midlife crisis.
McConville22:50
If you feel like you're on a merry-go-round. Yeah. Right? That you have the conversation, you're, feels like you're connected and made progress. Nothing changes. And then nothing changes and you're back having that same conversation again and again and again.
Lisa26:06
So I will say to kids in those situations, are you worried about your drinking? And I'm surprised how often a kid will say, actually, I am. And then we're in good shape.
Lisa30:14
And one of them cleared his throat and said, doctor, that wouldn't happen here.
McConville35:21
Look, you know, some brains were made for the classroom. Your brain was made for the real world.
McConville39:28
Figures
| Proportion of McConville's "failure to launch" families where children engage in no constructive activity | approximately 65–70% | 11:24 |
| Average marriage age when McConville graduated college | men 22, women 20 | 14:28 |
| Current average marriage age | men over 30, women close to 30 | 14:28 |
Glossary
- failure to launch
- Young adults in their twenties who have not achieved independent living and remain stuck at the threshold of adulthood.
- motivational interviewing
- Using questions to guide someone toward self-reflection rather than lecturing or confrontation.
- executive functioning
- Cognitive control abilities including planning, time management, and task initiation.
How to listen
Parents with twenty-somethings who have dropped out, refused school, are struggling with marijuana, or seem unmotivated; and professionals who practice adolescent counseling.
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