Doctors Say Nothing's Wrong, So Women Learn Not to Trust Their Bodies
Gallup research found half of women experience mental health struggles during pregnancy and postpartum, yet healthcare systems screen for gestational diabetes systematically while never systematically screening for emotional distress.
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Switching Roles Requires Changing Clothes, Not Just Mindset
Melinda discovered that her daughter gave her the cold shoulder when she came home in work mode. She learned to change into yoga pants and sneakers before entering, then sit on the hallway floor to read picture books together. She explains that work mode means being "goal-oriented, box-checking," but building relationships requires slowing down—reading the same book fourteen times is "inefficient," yet that slowness is connection itself. Her younger daughter even directly told her, "Don't use your work voice with me," reminding Melinda that children acutely sense which state a parent is in.
— Melinda French GatesHalf of Women Struggle With Mental Health During Pregnancy and Postpartum
Melinda partnered with Gallup last summer to survey 5,000 American adults. She wanted data because she kept hearing women describe their struggles during pregnancy and postpartum and wanted to know how widespread this truly was. The finding: half of respondents admitted they had experienced mental health struggles during pregnancy or postpartum. She argues this burden shouldn't rest only on women or parents—the healthcare system itself is unprepared for it.
— Melinda French GatesHealthcare Systems Screen for Gestational Diabetes but Not for Emotional Crisis
Gestational diabetes affects only 8% to 10% of pregnant women, yet it has an entire early-warning system built around it. Mental health problems, which affect half of all women, receive no equivalent treatment. Melinda cites an example from a clinic in Alabama: when Asia Brooks had her first child, she wasn't screened for mental health; her experience was traumatic. For her second birth, that clinic screened every woman who walked through the door for mental health before doing any other prenatal check.
— Melinda French GatesEven Well-Resourced Women Must Fight to Be Heard by Their Doctors
The survey found that one in three women had to advocate strongly for their doctor to take their health concerns seriously. Melinda admits this has happened to her too. She had her last child at thirty-seven and entered perimenopause in her early forties. She knew the word "menopause," but didn't realize she was in perimenopause until she saw several doctors and one finally pointed it out. She says this life stage is almost "unspeakable" and should be publicly discussed and integrated into medical training.
— Melinda French GatesTen Thousand Small Dismissals Teach Girls Not to Trust Their Instincts
Melinda says girls and women are repeatedly told in society that they're "too emotional," "too this or that," and over time they learn not to trust their instincts—like being interrupted in meetings or having their words taken, then thinking, "Maybe it's just my problem." When they enter a doctor's office, the physician often does have more expertise and institutional authority, which makes women already conditioned not to advocate for themselves even more likely to self-doubt. She emphasizes that simply telling women to "trust your instincts" isn't enough—the healthcare system itself must change.
— Melinda French GatesWords Matter: "I Believe You" and "You're Right to Notice That"
The concrete language Melinda shares: telling a child "I believe you" doesn't mean the child's feelings decide the final outcome—wanting ice cream for breakfast doesn't mean parents have to provide it, but they do need to first acknowledge that the child's feeling is real. Another phrase she uses often is "You're right to notice that," especially when there's been conflict at home or she's been away for several evenings. She believes this teaches children to later have the confidence to tell a doctor, "This appointment isn't finished—I know this is real."
— Melinda French GatesPaid Family Leave Reshapes How Entire Societies Define Fatherhood
Melinda has been advocating for paid family and medical leave—for fathers as well as mothers—for over eight years. She mentions that in Sweden and Norway, men are bewildered when they learn American fathers don't take time off when a child is born. Three decades of policy in those countries has already reshaped society's expectations of fatherhood, and even product design has changed—Norway has bicycles designed to ride through snow while carrying a child. She emphasizes she is a systems thinker: advice like "sleep when the baby sleeps" sounds impossible if your partner isn't sharing the load of diapers and pediatrician calls.
— Melinda French GatesReclaiming Self-Trust Means Tracing Back to Where It Was Damaged
Asked whether she trusts herself more now than at thirty, Melinda answers immediately, "One hundred percent." She credits years of therapy for recovering that trust and having to look back at which phase of life she lost her confidence. In a long college relationship, her partner verbally degraded her, and she began to believe what he said about her appearance and abilities. Later, the male-dominated, high-intensity workplace culture told her yet another value system, until a friend pointed out "you act like everything is just about being smart"—only then did she realize she was becoming someone she didn't like. Eventually she chose to leave a job rather than lose herself.
— Melinda French GatesIn their own words · checked verbatim
half of the respondents said half. They struggled with their mental health either during pregnancy or afterwards.
Melinda French Gates9:27
I hit perimenopause in my early forties. Now I knew what menopause was, but I didn't know I was in it.
Melinda French Gates13:43
And so we go through life, and we get the, as they say, kind of 10,000 paper cuts.
Melinda French Gates15:48
There is never anyone who will be better than you at knowing how you feel.
Melinda French Gates18:55
One of the things I find so healing to say to my daughter and my sons is you were right to notice that.
Melinda French Gates19:56
they just, they scratch their heads. They can't believe men in the U.S. don't take time off at the birth of the child.
Melinda French Gates25:14
if you're home alone, sleep when the baby sleeps can feel, it can feel maddening to hear.
Melinda French Gates27:15
And I think I started to believe some of those terrible messages he was saying to me about myself, about my looks or not being enough in this way or that way.
Melinda French Gates34:35
Figures
| Gallup survey sample | 5,000 American adults | 8:23 |
| Women who struggled with mental health during pregnancy or postpartum | One in two | 9:27 |
| Incidence of gestational diabetes in pregnant women | 8% to 10% | 9:27 |
| Women who had to advocate strongly to be heard by doctors | One in three | 13:43 |
| Melinda's age when she had her last child | 37 | 13:43 |
| Age of Melinda's eldest daughter | 30 | 4:10 |
Glossary
- perimenopause
- The phase of intense hormonal fluctuation before menopause, with symptoms often mistaken for other conditions.
- good enough parent
- A parenting philosophy that pursues adequacy rather than perfection—being sufficiently present and responsive, not flawless.
How to listen
Women trying to understand why they second-guess themselves around doctors and at work, and parents who want to raise daughters who trust their own instincts.
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