Understanding the theory didn't stop her from yelling—she took the same workshop five times
Real change happens in the body, not the mind—understanding the principles is just the first step; genuine transformation usually requires practicing the same tools through several cycles to internalize them.
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The argument · timestamps estimated from transcript position
Repeating the course isn't shame—it was her own choice
When Jen first discovered Iris had signed up for the same workshop a third time, she felt a wave of shame—if I'm a good teacher, why does my student need to come back? Iris's response shattered this assumption: her first two times she just observed; only on the third and fourth times did she openly admit to being a ‘repeat attendee’. She didn't see it as something to hide or boast about—just a fact. She enrolled because she genuinely believed the method worked for her and kept coming back with new insights each time.
— IrisA crow stealing snacks—anger runs deeper than reason
In the park, Iris was already irritable from hunger and her daughter's refusal to share food. When a crow swooped down and stole the scattered snacks, Iris felt a wave of pure, scalding emotion surge from her gut, completely beyond rational control, and her daughter was terrified by it. Separately, her daughter asked innocently—not accusingly—‘Mom, why are you always so angry?’ This simple question from a child who depended on her made Iris realize that a parent who erupts like a volcano isn't good for a child in her care. That became her turning point to seek help beyond medication or therapy.
— IrisTaming your triggers is like breaking a wild horse
Iris compared her journey of taking the workshop four or five times to horse training: the first few times were just about learning to sit in the saddle and hold on, not performing at the show immediately. She discovered that hunger, exhaustion, and sleep deprivation narrowed her ‘window of tolerance,’ so the second time around she batch-cooked meals in advance, increased her therapy sessions, and cut other commitments—actively building a support system for herself instead of just hoping ‘this time I'll definitely remember the principles’.
— IrisChange happens in the body, not the brain
Jen explains that what the workshop truly pursues is ‘non-cognitive shift’—understanding the content and nodding along isn't hard, but the real work is not just learning it in your head but embedding it in your body, making it how you exist in the world. That process can't be designed or predicted; it's different for everyone. Iris proved this: on a coaching call, Jen had her touch the smooth surface of her laptop. That tactile sensation snapped her back to the present moment, broke the cycle of runaway emotions, and she let out a silent scream and felt released—she'd understood the principles all along; what actually worked was that physical action.
— Jen LumanlanThe real shift often happens when you're watching someone else get coached
Iris said she's ‘a person who learns better in a group’—the small-group coaching calls were enormously helpful. She found that other people's struggles—swap out the child's name, swap out the details—often matched exactly what she was going through, and that universality within the specific made her realize she wasn't the bad mom who couldn't handle her kid. Jen adds that many participants complete that crucial non-cognitive shift not when they themselves are being coached but when they're watching someone else be guided—you don't have to be the one on the spot to take someone else's transformation and apply it to your own life.
— IrisWas it her father's curse, or just that raising kids is genuinely hard?
When Iris was a difficult child, her father would say that one day she'd have her own child who was even more difficult—a curse on her. For a while, Iris genuinely believed that her struggles with Malaya were the curse coming true. Later she realized that parenting is just hard, whether there was a curse or not. She also mentioned using fear tactics to get her daughter to drama class on time—‘the teacher will replace you’—until her daughter pushed back, saying that was mean and the teacher would never do that. That pushback made Iris realize that the unquestioned-parental-authority style she grew up with doesn't work anymore with a daughter raised in Canada.
— IrisA child's fear of you is not respect
Addressing Iris's mention of parental-authority culture, Jen points out that this one-way respect—children must respect parents simply because they're older and have the power—exists in many formerly colonized places, including the Philippines and Britain. But is that actually respect, or is it fear? When parents can only secure obedience through intimidation, what children feel is terror, not genuine respect born from the inside—that's just the only tool parents have in their kit.
— Jen LumanlanRecharge yourself first; then you can hold space for your child's breakdown
One exhausted afternoon, instead of forcing herself to clean up the messy kitchen first, Iris went downstairs and chatted with a neighbor to recharge. Later, when it was time to turn off the TV, her daughter had a complete meltdown, calling her a bad mom, the worst mom ever. Because Iris had given herself that space beforehand, she didn't get instantly ignited this time—she just sat quietly with her daughter until the storm passed, without saying anything judgmental. Once her daughter's emotions settled, she came over and said ‘I love you, you're the best mom.’ Jen points out that this act of self-care expanded her window of tolerance and created the pause that made all transformation possible.
— IrisIn their own words · checked verbatim
I was just so so angry! I feel this hot thing coming out from my gut here and Malaya started crying because she felt that energy, and I felt very guilty about that.
Iris11:30
out of the blue Malaya asked me, “Mama, why are you always angry?” And the way she asked was really significant to me because she asked out of curiosity.
Iris11:30
I like to think of my four or five times in the workshop, as I like to imagine myself as like a horse trainer. And the process of taming my own trigger is the wild doors. And so the first few times were just about me getting into the saddle.
Iris14:46
you said something about, like, touch the surface of the kitchen counter, not me, but the computer was on the kitchen counter. The smoothness just brought me back and so that sort of halted the runaway train.
Iris22:07
I muted my zoom thing, I just left out this like, very primal scream that came from here, and I was just like, it felt good.
Iris22:07
Mama, I don't think that teachers will do that because first of all, that's mean. And second, were children. And I don't think they will replace me.
Iris36:38
if we think about it, is it really respect? Isn't it more fear? It's not really respect that we're feeling when our parent is trying to coerce us into doing something because that's the only tool that they have, right?
Jen Lumanlan38:41
I think of the taming your triggers workshop as you are not giving a formula. I wish there was some kind of magic formula. But of course, it would probably be easier and you will be a millionaire. What I was getting was not a formula, but more of a recipe, and a recipe for cooking.
Iris46:51
Figures
| Years Iris spent in infertility treatment | 6 | 1:46 |
| Iris's age when she had daughter Malaya | 41 | 1:46 |
| Number of times Iris attended the same workshop | 4 to 5 | 13:43 |
| Duration of the workshop series | About 10 weeks | 43:01 |
Glossary
- Window of tolerance
- The emotional range within which you can function and regulate; hunger and exhaustion narrow it, making you reactive to small triggers.
- Non-cognitive shift
- A change that occurs at the body level rather than at the level of understanding; embodied transformation versus intellectual comprehension.
- ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences)
- A questionnaire that scores the extent of childhood trauma.
How to listen
Parents who are instantly triggered by their child's behavior and feel ashamed that they can't put what they've learned into practice.
The lengthy listener-recorded intro and subscription reminder at the start (0:00–1:46) can be skipped.