The Halloween Costume Fight Isn't About Clothes—It's About Who Gets to Decide
A seventh-grader's group Halloween costume dispute looks like a wardrobe disagreement on the surface, but is really a fight over who gets left out and who holds social power—the costume is just the container that puts this negotiation on the table.
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Costume Fights Are Never Just About Costumes
One seventh-grader and four close friends do a group Halloween costume every year; this year, by September, they're already fighting. Two want to dress as one character group, one says no—not that costume. Screenshots of the group chat circulate. The daughter feels quietly kicked out of the plan even though no one's actually said it. Tori says this isn't a Halloween problem—it's a bigger negotiation over who decides things and who gets included. The costume is just what brings it to the surface.
— Dr. Tori CordianoWhy Halloween Night Gets Uniquely Overloaded
They use the psychology term overdetermination to describe Halloween: the night compresses several identity shifts—is she still young enough to knock on doors for candy, or old enough to think of this as freedom to roam without parents? The costume itself splits between "sexy" and "funny." Does she want to join boys in the group? All these adolescent crossroads collide on one night and explode—way more complex than adults realize.
— Dr. Tori CordianoHelping Isn't the Same as Fixing It for Them
Parents' first instinct is often to just opt out—"let's skip group costumes, do your own thing"—but to the kid that reads as "switch schools"–level rejection. It denies what she actually wants: to stay in the group. Tori's frame is "helping without fixing": start with empathy ("this sucks"), not a solution, because there's no answer that satisfies everyone. The goal is support, not to make the conflict disappear.
— Dr. Tori CordianoThere Are Two Kinds of Popular—and They Mean Opposite Things
Tori splits "popular" into two: kids who are actually liked, and kids who buy social power by being mean—everyone knows it but no one dares push back. Helping your kid name which kind of "power" is actually running this friend group is the key to understanding what the costume fight is really about. Lisa emphasizes this clinical insight again at the end.
— Dr. Lisa DamourGroup Chat Groupthink Is Worse Than Individual Judgment
Psychology shows group thinking usually spirals worse than any one person would decide alone—it drifts toward either meaner or dumber. In group chats, no one dares step out or object, so everyone ends up passively part of cruelty they don't actually endorse but can't say out loud.
A Teen Brain's Brakes Aren't Installed Yet
The part of the brain that asks "should I send this, will it get screenshotted and spread?" isn't done developing during adolescence, so group chat messages go out of control at a word. Real guidance isn't writing the text for them—it's repeatedly asking "if you said that, what do you think would happen?"—letting them rehearse consequences in their head. Even if she doesn't answer, that rehearsal is happening.
— Dr. Tori CordianoWhen the Group Chat Spirals, a Parent Can Take the Fall
If the chat crosses a line, Tori says set the boundary and let the kid tell her friends "my mom made me leave the chat"—let her blame the parent and use that as a way out of a confrontation she's not ready for. That's not teaching her to lie; it's giving a kid who isn't ready to face the group a face-saving exit. The day she can say "stop, this is wrong" will come naturally—don't force it now.
— Dr. Tori CordianoHigh School Homecoming and Seventh-Grade Costumes Come from the Same Root
Zoom out to sophomore and junior year homecoming fights: the same social power is still there, just split among more people as friend groups loosen. The parent role shifts from front-line involved to informed but hands-off. This says the costume conflict itself will pass, but the social structure that shaped it stays, just in different forms.
— Dr. Tori CordianoIn their own words · checked verbatim
Close enough to have the information, far enough away to be able to do nothing.
Dr. Lisa Damour4:07
some kids want to be M&Ms and some kids want to be... Sexy M&Ms. Sexy M&Ms. It's a thing. It's a thing.
There's no outcome. There's no magic a parent can pull off where suddenly the friendship group dynamics just dissolve. Everybody's happy. Everybody feels included in the right way. This is all going to go great. Like that's not really on the table here.
Dr. Tori Cordiano10:28
one of the frames I like to put around these things is helping without fixing.
Dr. Tori Cordiano11:28
it can veer in two very bad directions, meaner or dumber, or both.
Public, permanent, can be screenshotted, can be shared forever, is not online yet. It's not fully operational.
Dr. Tori Cordiano23:00
The brakes are weak. The gas pedal is strong.
Dr. Lisa Damour23:00
Sometimes they use it to refer to a kid who is genuinely kind, well-liked, widely liked. And sometimes they use the term to refer to a kid who is willing to be mean to garner social power and everyone knows it.
Dr. Lisa Damour37:37
Glossary
- Overdetermination
- A single event shaped by multiple independent causes at once; the Halloween costume conflict layers together power, identity, and exclusion.
- Group thinking
- In a group, individual judgment yields to collective mood, usually with results more extreme than any single person alone would choose.
- Helping without fixing
- A parenting stance where adults provide support and guidance but don't solve the friend problem directly for the child.
How to listen
Parents of middle or high school kids who are torn about whether to step in when their kids' friendships hit friction or group chats get out of hand.
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