Teach kids to lie for safety rather than risk harm
When peers pressure kids to smoke weed or similar, she'd rather teach them to lie and blame their parents to escape, rather than let them risk it because they can't find a dignified way to say no—safety first, not honesty above all.
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The argument · tap a timestamp to hear it
Most lies aren't born from bad intent
She sorts children's lying into three categories: hiding wrongdoing, avoiding responsibility, or protecting privacy. The privacy type is most often misread by parents—when a child doesn't volunteer details like which park they visited, they're exercising normal developmental autonomy, not lying, but parents interpret it as deception: 'why would you lie about something so small?'
— Dr. Lisa DamourTeach kids to lie for safety rather than risk harm
At a party, if someone offers weed, teach your kid a safe lie like 'my parents do random drug tests'—it doesn't have to be true. She'd rather kids escape with a kind lie than be pressured into risk because they lack a dignified refusal. Safety first; honesty is a later conversation.
— Dr. Lisa DamourWhat kids firmly believe as true often isn't actually true
When a child sincerely describes events that contradict your reality, don't deny them outright. She says: 'the same event looks different from different angles.' If they persist, play 'the perspective game'—you fully state their case, they fully state yours. Often advances the conversation better than debating facts.
— Dr. Lisa DamourStop asking if they did it—just name what you both know
Quoting child psychologist Haim Ginott: skip the trap question 'were you there?' Just say 'we both know that's not true.' Then ask 'why didn't you tell me'—shift from catching them to understanding the lie.
— Dr. Lisa DamourWhen they say 'I don't know' why they lied, believe them
When kids say 'I don't know why I lied,' they likely mean it—they haven't worked it out themselves. Don't push. Say: 'This is hard, let's talk tomorrow.' Emphasize: 'You're good, lying bothers you too.' Come back the next day.
— Dr. Lisa DamourTie freedom to honesty, not lifetime distrust to a lie
Don't say 'if you lie again I'll never trust you'—it blocks redemption. Instead: link freedom to trustworthiness. A lie means their freedom quota drops now. As they rebuild trust through honesty, freedom returns gradually. Trust is not a death sentence; it rises and falls with their choices.
— Dr. Lisa DamourModel honesty yourself before you demand it from your kids
Two checks: Are you honest? Kids sense hypocrisy immediately. Second: have you ever punished honesty or hit harder after a confession? If so, apologize. Tell them your past reactions made it harder for them to tell the truth.
— Dr. Lisa DamourIn their own words · checked verbatim
good kids do dumb things, right? I've seen this all through my work as a clinician.
Dr. Lisa Damour4:06
I would so much rather have a kid be safe and tell a white lie as opposed to do the thing because they have no way that they feel comfortable to get out of it and then be in harm's way.
Dr. Lisa Damour7:12
you and I both know that's not true. Or you and I both know that what you have said actually is not the truth.
Dr. Lisa Damour15:34
what is getting the way of you telling me the truth? It's basically saying, I know that you want to tell me the truth and I want you to tell me the truth.
Dr. Lisa Damour16:37
When you are lying to me about things that you are doing, you are skywriting that I can't trust you right now. If you want me to trust you, you need to tell me the truth.
Dr. Lisa Damour24:58
I think we can never, ever hold our kids to the expectation that they will be honest with us if we know that we're not entirely honest with them.
Dr. Lisa Damour26:01
Glossary
- Haim Ginott
- Deceased child psychologist known for developing parent-child communication techniques.
- smell test
- Judging intuitively whether a claim is true without concrete evidence.
- perspective game
- Each person fully restates the other's position before responding.
How to listen
Parents of tweens and teens struggling with lying and secrecy who want practical responses, not sermons.
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