Family and relationships
Thomas Gordon
The I-message
Thomas Gordon (1962 · Parent Effectiveness Training) — The I-message.
What actually happened?
He observed that most parents know two moves — win (I decide) or lose (fine, have it your way) — and that both carry a long bill: the first produces compliance or opposition, the second produces someone who doesn't consider anyone else. His third method turns the conflict into a shared problem: name what each side actually needs and find something that meets both. Not a vote and not a compromise, because splitting the difference leaves everyone short. In the child-rearing thinking of 1962 this was close to heresy.
Say the effect, not the character
Three parts: the specific behaviour, its actual effect on me, how I feel. Nothing in it judges the other person, so there is nothing to defend against. The part most often dropped is the middle one, and it is where the persuasion lives.
Work out whose problem it is first
A child upset about a bad grade owns it, and the move is listening. A child wrecking the room you work in — that's yours, and the move is an I-message. Getting it backwards is the common error, and it lays your anxiety on top of theirs.
No effect you can name may mean no problem
If you can't say what it actually does to you, this may be a preference rather than a problem. The step doubles as a filter: when you can't fill it in, ask why you're insisting.
How do I use it today?
Before raising something, split it into behaviour, effect on me, and how I feel, with no line about what kind of person they are. And before you open your mouth, ask whose problem this is. If it's theirs, listen and say back what you heard; advice at that moment moves them from solving their problem to handling your opinion.
Deep read
Read alongside
Further
Lines to keep
Say what this does to me, not what kind of person you are.
Work out whose problem this is before choosing a method.
Conflict doesn't have to end with somebody winning.