Yan Ying
The Man He Ransomed Wanted Out
When someone tells you to your face you were wrong, do not tally your favours
Records of the Grand Historian, Biographies of Guan and Yan
You did someone a great favour, and he tells you to your face you were rude and wants out. How did Yan Ying react, and what did he do next?
What actually happened?
Yan Ying met Yue Shifu in custody, unhitched a horse from his own carriage, and bought his freedom. At home, Yan Ying said nothing and went straight inside. After a long while Yue Shifu asked to break off the friendship. Startled, Yan Ying straightened his robes and apologised: I may be no paragon, but I got you out of trouble. Why break with me so fast? Yue Shifu answered: in prison you did not know me. You bought me out, so you know me. But to know a man and show him no courtesy is worse than the cell. Yan Ying asked him in as an honoured guest.
His first reaction was to argue, too
What he said first was 'I rescued you.' It is what you and I would say. The difference is in what followed: he did not keep tallying the favour. He stopped and listened for what the man was actually angry about.
Someone says you gave him no face at the meeting. You want to say 'I fought for your budget.' Swallow that sentence.
It was about courtesy, not about the ledger
Yue Shifu did not say 'you owe me.' He said: you treat a friend worse than a stranger. That is a complaint about how you treat him, and no size of favour offsets it.
You gave a junior a great opportunity and never said a word to him face to face. He says you do not respect him. Pointing at the opportunity will not make him feel heard.
Listen, change, and let him see it
Yan Ying did not explain, and he did not stop at 'I was wrong.' He asked the man in and made him an honoured guest on the spot. What makes people speak up is not your open-mindedness but that your position visibly moved after they spoke.
After someone gives you critical feedback, put his point on the next meeting's agenda and let him present it, instead of thanking him in private.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: someone tells you to your face something you did not want to hear, and your first thought is 'after all I have done for you.'
Ask first: can I get through what he says without answering a word? Is he saying something I did, or something I owe?
Where it goes wrong: treating an instant apology and a seat of honour as a pose. Yan Ying changed after he had listened. If you only look generous, apologise on the spot and carry on as before, the next person will be even less willing to speak.
Lines to keep
To know me and show me no courtesy is worse than a cell.
I may be no paragon, but I freed you. Why leave so fast?
Yan Ying then asked him in and made him an honoured guest.
Same situation, other people are asking
The room agreed with every word. That can't be right.I ask them straight out and get nothing real back.Someone finally told me to my face I was out of line, and I'm stung.Nobody says what they actually think · all 3 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.