A Child Hitting, Biting or Kicking Isn't Misbehaving — He's Reclaiming His Bodily Autonomy
Stop asking how to make the hitting stop. A three- or four-year-old's hitting, biting and kicking is often the only tool left to shout "I have no say" after adults have taken control of nearly everything his body does — give some choice back, and the behavior shrinks.
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The argument · timestamps estimated from transcript position
A child who hits is shouting that he can't control his body
Preschool is often the first place a child is controlled in nearly every bodily arrangement by an adult other than his parents: where to sit, how to sit, when to speak and when to move. For the previous three years he could roughly decide when to run and when to use the toilet. Sitting on a rug for 20 minutes without moving is a real deprivation of autonomy; and a three- or four-year-old has no language to assert "my body is mine to decide," so hitting and kicking become one of the few tools still available. So when the call home comes, don't rush to lecture "hands to yourself" — ask instead: how much say did this child have over his own life before this, and what bit of it can be handed back now.
— JenKindergarten readiness is really obedience training
Teachers often say a given preschool has a high share of kindergarten-ready children, and the core definition of that readiness is compliance: sit down when the teacher says sit, even mid-task, even when the body is already overloaded. Parents fear that if the child doesn't comply now, he won't get into a good elementary school, college, a good life. But what the child pays for that definition is learning to suppress the feeling of "what I need right now." Teachers aren't villains either — they too need to feel competent, to keep children safe, to save effort, even to enjoy a taste of power; many went into education precisely to repair their own childhood wounds, yet only know the power-over kind of relationship. Only by seeing both sides' situations is there room to negotiate.
— JenWe grant ourselves regulation and deny it to children
If an adult at a party feels overloaded, he arrives early, leaves early, hides in a quiet room, even wears noise-cancelling earplugs — we find that entirely natural. Turn the camera on a child, though, and apart from conventions like extra exam time, we immediately worry that "too much accommodation will spoil him, he'll never survive the real world." The truth is that adults grant themselves far more regulation than they allow children. The source offers a concrete image: an adult stronger than you unceremoniously carries you out of the quiet room back into the middle of the loud party — with an adult, you'd instantly see it as a violation of bodily autonomy; when it happens to a child, we look right past it.
— JenThe repair point is before the behavior, not the behavior itself
Repeating "hitting is not okay" doesn't work, because that isn't the knowledge the child is missing. You need a different set of questions: what happened in the few seconds before this bite? What happened earlier that day? Is there a move or a new baby in the child's life? A sensory-overloaded child who gets jostled in line will melt down, so let him stand at the front, the back, or outside the line; a child who struggles with transitions needs a few minutes' warning. The adult analogy: when your partner snaps at you for no reason at night, it's usually not about that sentence but about the morning's argument, lost sleep, and a chain of stress. If the other person then tossed off "your attitude needs some work," you'd blow up too — yet that's often the only version we give children.
— JenTalking to the teacher: don't assign blame, hear what the "no" protects
Telling a teacher "please change what you're doing" almost always hits a wall. A safer opening is to drop judgment and reconstruct the facts: don't look for who's responsible, just ask what actually happened; and list the family changes too, since that's context the teacher can't see. Once you know whether the child's trigger is sensory or autonomy, extend empathy to the three things behind the teacher: competence, the children's safety, and the relief of catching a breath. The request must land on a concrete, executable change, like "can he sit on a ball outside the circle." If the teacher refuses, the keyword isn't the refusal but what need that "no" is still protecting, and finding a different approach that satisfies both sides.
— JenA naptime conflict, cleanly taken apart
Jen's daughter Carys, at three, couldn't nap, but the teacher wanted her lying down; she was bored and frustrated — her need was to play; the teacher had two needs: state rules required offering a nap, and naptime was the teacher's own rest period. The solution they found was to move her mat to a slightly separated corner, where she could quietly play with soft toys that wouldn't roll, and the teacher could see her through the window from the break room. The child kept her right to free play, the teacher kept the rule and her rest, and Jen escaped the no-win cycle of incident reports. This segment shows that "negotiating by need" isn't empty talk: everyone gives a little, but everyone's core need is held.
— JenEvery method comes down to one question
Compress all of the above into one line: stop asking "how do I make the hitting stop," and ask "what need is this behavior communicating?" Hitting, biting and kicking are only surface signals; the real message may be "I need sensory relief" or "I need some say over my own body." Once the need is correctly named, a path to meeting it can be designed; and it is almost always the adult who changes the environment, because changing how the adult shows up is far easier than changing the child.
— JenIn their own words · checked verbatim
hitting or kicking can be one of the only tools that a three or four-year-old has for saying I don't have any say over what happens to my body right now and I need some of that.
Jen4:21
When we imagine it happening to an adult we can kind of see it's an obvious violation of that person's body autonomy. And it is for a child too, it's just that we don't see it that way.
Jen4:21
Being kindergarten ready means the child has learned that they are to do what an adult says even if that goes against what they know is right for their body.
Jen6:42
But when we think about accommodations for kids unless it's for something like more time when they're taking a test we worry that they won't be able to survive in the real world if we accommodate them too much.
Jen9:24
We know that we want that for ourselves, but somehow when kids are involved, we only focus on the behavior that we don't want to see and how do we change that?
Jen12:11
And if the teacher says no, which they may do, what you're really listening for is what need they're trying to meet that underlies that no.
Jen15:10
What need is this behavior communicating? Because from there you can find strategies to meet everyone's needs.
Jen17:53
Figures
| Length of the uninterrupted rug sit | 20 minutes | 4:21 |
| Preschool class size | 20 or more | 15:10 |
Glossary
- autonomy
- The basic need to have choices over one's own life and body, and to act according to one's own will.
- kindergarten readiness
- An early-childhood metric for whether a child can sit still, follow instructions, and adapt to group rules.
- accommodation
- A change to the environment, rules or arrangements made to match an individual's sensory needs or other needs.
- power-over model
- An interaction model in which the adult occupies the superior position and treats the child with commands and domination, as opposed to a collaborative model.
How to listen
Parents whose child just started preschool and who keep getting calls home about incidents; and early-childhood teachers who want less aggression in the classroom without leaning on punishment.
After 16:57 it's a course pitch; skip it if you only want the method itself.