Why Your Preschooler's Hitting, Biting, or Kicking Isn't Bad Behavior—It's a Bid for Bodily Autonomy
Stop asking how to make the hitting stop. For a three- or four-year-old, hitting, biting, and kicking are often the only tools left to shout, "I have no say"—when adults control nearly every aspect of their body. Give back a little choice, and the behavior will decrease.
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The argument · timestamps estimated from transcript position
Hitting is a child's cry that their body isn't their own
Preschool is often the first time a child is controlled by an adult other than their parents in nearly every bodily arrangement: where to sit, how to sit, when to speak and move. In the previous three years, they could largely decide when to run and when to go to the bathroom. Sitting on the carpet for 20 minutes without moving is a real deprivation of autonomy; and a three- or four-year-old lacks the language to assert "my body, my rules," so hitting and kicking become one of the few tools left. So when you get that call from the teacher, don't rush to discipline with "keep your hands to yourself." Instead ask: How much say did this child have over their own life before this, and what can we give back?
— JenKindergarten readiness is really obedience training
Teachers often say that a high proportion of children at a certain preschool are kindergarten-ready, but the core definition of that readiness is compliance: when the teacher says sit, you sit, even if you're mid-task, even if your body is overloaded. Parents worry that if the child doesn't comply now, they won't get into a good elementary school, college, or good life. But the cost to the child is learning to suppress the feeling of "what I need right now." Teachers aren't villains either; they themselves need competence, child safety, ease, and even a sense of power. Many entered education to heal their own childhood wounds but only know power-over relationships. Seeing both sides opens up room for negotiation.
— JenWe accommodate ourselves but refuse to accommodate our children
When adults attend a party and feel overloaded, we arrive early, leave early, retreat to a quiet room, or even wear noise-canceling earplugs—we find this natural. But when it comes to children, aside from routine things like extended test time, we immediately worry that "too much accommodation will spoil him, and he won't survive in the real world." The truth is that adults grant themselves far more accommodation than they allow children. The original piece offers a concrete image: a bigger, stronger adult picks you up without explanation and carries you from a quiet room back to the middle of a noisy party—if that happened to an adult, you'd immediately see it as a violation of bodily autonomy; but when it happens to a child, we look away.
— JenThe fix lies before the behavior, not in the behavior itself
Repeating "no hitting" doesn't work because that's not the knowledge the child lacks. You need a different set of questions: What happened in the seconds before the bite? What else happened earlier that day? Is there a move or a new baby in the child's life? A sensory-overloaded child who loses control when pushed in line might need to stand at the front, back, or outside the line; a child who struggles with transitions needs a few minutes' warning. An analogy: when your partner snaps at you in the evening over something trivial, it's often not about that moment but about an argument that morning, lack of sleep, and a cascade of stress. If they responded with "your attitude needs work," you'd explode too; yet we often do only that to our children.
— JenTalking to the teacher: don't assign blame, listen to the 'no'
Telling the teacher "please change your approach" will almost certainly hit a wall. A safer opening is to set aside judgment and reconstruct the facts: not who's at fault, but what actually happened; and include family changes, which are context the teacher can't see. Once you've figured out whether the trigger is sensory or about autonomy, then acknowledge the three things behind the teacher's behavior: competence, child safety, and the need for a breather. The request must be concrete and actionable, like "Can she sit on a ball outside the circle?" If the teacher refuses, the key isn't the refusal but what need that 'no' is protecting, and find a way that meets both needs.
— JenA nap-time conflict resolved without winners or losers
Jen's daughter Carys, at age three, couldn't nap. The teacher required her to lie down, and she was bored and frustrated—her need was to play; the teacher had two needs: state regulations required offering a nap, and nap time was also the teacher's break. The solution they found was to move her mat to a slightly separate corner, where she could play quietly with soft toys that didn't roll, while the teacher could see her through the window from the break room. The child kept her right to free play, the teacher kept the rule and her break, and Jen escaped the dilemma of tattletale calls. This example shows that "negotiating by need" isn't empty talk: everyone gives a little, but everyone's core need is preserved.
— JenAll methods boil down to one question
Compress all the above into one sentence: stop asking "how do I make the hitting stop" and instead ask "what need is this behavior communicating?" Hitting, biting, and kicking are surface signals; the real message might be "I need sensory relief" or "I need some say over my body." Once the need is correctly named, a path to meet it can be designed; and it's almost always the adult who changes the environment, because changing how adults show up is easier than changing the child.
— JenIn their own words · checked verbatim
hitting or kicking can be one of the only tools that a three or four-year-old has for saying I don't have any say over what happens to my body right now and I need some of that.
Jen4:21
When we imagine it happening to an adult we can kind of see it's an obvious violation of that person's body autonomy. And it is for a child too, it's just that we don't see it that way.
Jen4:21
Being kindergarten ready means the child has learned that they are to do what an adult says even if that goes against what they know is right for their body.
Jen6:42
But when we think about accommodations for kids unless it's for something like more time when they're taking a test we worry that they won't be able to survive in the real world if we accommodate them too much.
Jen9:24
We know that we want that for ourselves, but somehow when kids are involved, we only focus on the behavior that we don't want to see and how do we change that?
Jen12:11
And if the teacher says no, which they may do, what you're really listening for is what need they're trying to meet that underlies that no.
Jen15:10
What need is this behavior communicating? Because from there you can find strategies to meet everyone's needs.
Jen17:53
Figures
| Duration of sitting still on the carpet | 20 minutes | 4:21 |
| Preschool class size | 20 or more | 15:10 |
Glossary
- autonomy
- The basic need to have choice over one's life and body and to act according to one's own will.
- kindergarten readiness
- A measure used in early childhood education to gauge a child's maturity in sitting still, following instructions, and adapting to group rules.
- accommodation
- A change to the environment, rules, or arrangements to match an individual's sensory or other needs.
- power-over model
- An interaction pattern where the adult is in a superior position and treats the child with commands and domination, as opposed to a collaborative model.
How to listen
Parents whose child just started preschool and who get frequent calls from the teacher; and preschool teachers who want to reduce aggression in their classroom without relying on punishment.
After 16:57 it's a course pitch; if you only want the methods, you can skip it.