Don't Teach Your Kid How to Make Friends — Teach Them How to Be One
Two counselors find that the cure for a child's social anxiety isn't coaching them to win people over, but redirecting their attention away from themselves and toward the other kid — going first as the good friend.
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Redefine failure as the first attempt in learning
Faced with a child's awkwardness and fumbling around friendship, the advice is for parents to adjust their own posture and expectations first: treat every social interaction as a first attempt in learning rather than something that has to succeed on the first try. That way a child doesn't conclude they failed because ten minutes of talking didn't produce a best friend, and the psychological bar for making friends comes down.
The kids who look confident are just as uneasy inside
From observation at their own summer camp for kids: second and third graders can basically just pile in and play together, but by fifth and sixth grade and into middle school, that state of excessive self-consciousness and watching everyone else can last 3 days out of the week. Even the kids who outwardly greet people generously, hug, and say kind things are uncertain on the inside — this is taken to be close to the default state for nearly every child, not a problem that only a few have.
Girls treat acquaintances as best friends; boys bond by competing, not collaborating
A study of girls' friendships notes that girls readily project best-friend expectations onto relationships that are only acquaintanceships — getting hurt, for instance, because the other girl didn't text to check on them after they missed class, when the two were never that close to begin with. Meanwhile, 13 to 15 is identified by most developmental psychology theory as the worst stretch of a boy's life, with physical, emotional and relational complexity all stacking up at once, and boys are also more accustomed to building relationships through competition and one-upping rather than collaboration, because competition is their instinctive response.
Turn up the rear speakers and you'll hear what your kids actually say
One parenting tactic: while driving, use the car stereo's front-rear balance control to raise the volume in the back seat, which forces the kids to raise their own voices, so the parent catches more of what they're saying. When you do overhear an uncomfortable conversation, the approach is to ask how the other person felt before offering empathy — the "empathy plus a question" formula — instead of launching straight into a lecture; keep the tone breezy, and walking side by side makes a child feel less interrogated than a face-to-face conversation.
Take the role of the bad guy so your kid doesn't have to
When the kids in the car start talking badly about someone who isn't there, David Thomas has a house rule: no discussing people who aren't present. He'll interrupt the conversation himself and take the responsibility onto his own shoulders rather than letting the blame land on his kid. Afterward he goes back and specifically asks the child how it felt at the time, turning the intervention into an occasion for soliciting feedback rather than one-way instruction — and over the long run kids are grateful for that kind of stepping in.
— David ThomasYou break the anxiety loop by giving first
At camp they hand out character beads so kids can praise each other. One eighth-grade girl who could never bring herself to give a bead to anyone was told directly: you can see the anxiety circling on her face. The fix wasn't to wait to be chosen but to be assigned a task — give away at least one bead, on your own initiative, tomorrow. The core logic: the more a child focuses on what others think of them, the heavier the anxiety; once the attention shifts to what they can do to make the other person feel liked, the anxiety actually loosens.
Trying to please pushes people away; after four non-responses, let go
For a one-sided relationship — where the child keeps extending invitations and the other kid never responds — the advice is to distinguish desperation from kindness: desperation looks especially bad on girls, hands all the power to the other person, and actually puts people off. The workable test is the tennis-rally metaphor: one side serves up a topic, the other has to catch it and hit it back for the conversation to continue. If four consecutive overtures fail to bring an equivalent response, it's time to let go, because this is no longer a two-way friendship.
— Sissy GoffAsk your kid: whose pace setter are you?
Borrowing marathon record holder Kipchoge's training setup as an analogy for friendship: the pace setters run with him to a set pace point, then peel off before the finish, leaving the spotlight to him alone as he crosses the line. The story is used to walk boys through two questions — who are the pace setters in your life, the ones who keep you on rhythm through the hardest stretches and see things you can't see in yourself; and who are you willing to be that kind of pace setter for.
— David ThomasIn their own words · checked verbatim
we love flipping the word fail on its head. We talk about fail as an acronym for first attempt in learning.
And they mostly, unless they have a little bit of anxiety, jump in with each other. And then we get up into the 5th and 6th age group, 5th and 6th grades. And then through middle school, early high school. But the self-conscious looking around that lasts 3 of the 7 days.
girls place best friend expectations on acquaintances, which feels so true.
Sissy Goff16:24
most every developmental theorist would agree that 13 to 15 is defined as the worst episode of a boy's life. Like there's not another exactly point in development that's as plagued by as much biological change, as much emotional intensity, as much relational complexity.
David Thomas17:26
she, one of her best tricks was that when she was in the car, she would use the fader button to turn the stereo louder in the backseat so that the kids would have to talk extra loud so she could hear more of what they were talking about.
David Thomas20:39
I don't think desperation looks good for girls. I mean, I just think other kids, it repels girls sometimes. It's too much power for the other person.
Sissy Goff38:38
But if after four times you're not kind back to me or you're not initiating relationship back, I'm going to let it go because that's not a two-sided friendship and that's not a real friendship.
Sissy Goff39:43
And as he got near the finish line and these folks were running with him, cheering him on, helping him stay on pace in the harder moments, they would peel off and then he would run forward across the finish line.
David Thomas46:01
Figures
| Years David Thomas has been married | 31 years | 36:27 |
| Age range of boys' "worst stretch" | 13-15 | 17:26 |
| Overture threshold for letting a friendship go | 4 consecutive non-responses | 39:43 |
| Summer camp participants | about 30 kids | 32:16 |
| Summer camp length | 8 weeks | 11:18 |
Glossary
- FAIL (First Attempt In Learning)
- An acronym that recasts "failure" as a first attempt at learning something
- back pocket questions
- Opening questions prepared in advance, ready to deploy whenever a conversation stalls
- balcony friends / basement friends
- Balcony friends cheer you on from the sidelines; basement friends drag you down
- charismatic characters
- The forceful, attention-seeking type of peer that adolescent boys readily follow
- pace setters
- Runners who hold your pace alongside you, then drop out near the finish so you cross alone
How to listen
Parents of kids from preschool through high school who are anxious about their child's friendships, especially those who want actual wording rather than general advice.
The opening small talk is skippable; the methods really start at the segment that redefines "fail."