She Put Her Daughter in a Struggling School for Education Equity—Then Found Old Emails and Apologized to Her Daughter
A decade ago, her article convinced countless parents to believe in integrated education; a decade later, after finding old emails where she'd sought help from her school, she finally admitted to her daughter for the first time that she was wrong.
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She Rejected the New York Upper-Middle-Class School-Choice Game
Nicole's daughter Nadja was school-age when every middle-class parent around them was filling out school-choice forms, competing for gifted-program slots, and strategizing ways to avoid struggling schools. Nicole did the opposite: she enrolled Nadja in a neighborhood public school where most students were Black or Latino, poor or from working-class families. Her logic was straightforward—if more affluent parents stayed in these schools, their attention and resources would benefit all students, not just their own. She later wrote about this choice in a New York Times Magazine cover story.
— NicoleWhen She Checked Her Daughter's Homework, Every Answer Was Wrong but Fully Marked Correct
At a fourth-grade parent conference, the teacher said Nadja wasn't meeting grade level. Nicole and her husband pressed for homework samples multiple times without success, finally getting access through the principal's intervention. When Nicole reviewed Nadja's math assignments question by question, she found nearly every answer was wrong—but the teacher had marked every one correct. There was no correction, no teaching. Nicole described that moment as devastating, and she began wondering whether she was experimenting on her daughter's education. Still, they decided against transferring her. Their reason: the other children in the class—those living in public housing, those without any voice at home—shouldn't be abandoned either. They chose to stay and advocate for the whole class to get tutoring.
— NicoleAt Twelve, Her Daughter Demanded the Truth, and the Mother's Explanation Rang Hollow
One day in seventh grade, Nadja and a friend looked up their school's test scores online and found them very low. In the car, she confronted her mother directly: How could you send me here knowing these scores? Nicole had a practiced answer ready—that values and friendships across neighborhoods mattered more than scores—but it sounded empty even to her as she said it. She later admitted: I knew I was right, but she's twelve years old. She didn't need moral clarity. She wanted a future with real opportunities.
— NicoleShe Handed Her Twelve-Year-Old Daughter the Power to Choose Her Own High School
The argument came back around several times. Nadja kept telling her mother: You weren't in that classroom. This wasn't your experience. This is my education. Nicole eventually surrendered: You're absolutely right. If I'd made a different choice, your school years would have been completely different—so from now on, you decide where you go to high school. This single concession reversed the entire decade of educational decisions Nicole had been making for her daughter.
— NicoleHer Daughter's Rebellion: a List of the Whitest, Most Elite Schools in New York
Nadja researched high schools on her own and created a list of the highest-scoring schools in New York City—precisely the kind Nicole had opposed her whole life: schools with strict admissions filters and almost no Black students. Not long after, Nadja announced she wanted to go to Harvard, not Howard University, the historically Black college Nicole had always pointed her toward. Nicole said she felt both proud and shocked—her daughter's rebellion was to want everything the best had to offer, even if it meant walking toward the educational path Nicole had spent half her life opposing.
— NicoleHer Daughter's Counterargument: What Benefit Did Your Sacrifice Actually Bring
In the recording studio, mother and daughter restarted the argument face to face. Nadja pressed her point by point: You said you'd bring resources to the school—what exactly did you bring? You said you'd create opportunities for kids to befriend people from different backgrounds—who exactly? Nicole listed examples: her husband organizing parents, fundraising for a picnic, the principal hosting a breakfast for honor roll students. But Nadja wasn't convinced. She said that once she got to high school, she felt like a dumb Black girl at a white school, and she couldn't name a single benefit her mother's sacrifice had produced.
— NadjaFinding Ten-Year-Old Emails Asking for Help, She Apologized for the First Time
While reporting this follow-up piece, Nicole found the emails she'd sent a decade earlier to the principal and teachers—pages of them, documenting her daughter's struggles, her own concerns, and the school's repeated silence. She said she'd completely forgotten she'd sent so many emails. Reading them devastated her. Before hanging up, her daughter called to check on her. Nicole finally told the truth: I think you didn't get the education you deserved. I didn't really listen to what you were telling me. Nadja responded: I'm glad you're seeing it now. I always felt like you weren't listening.
— NicoleTen Years Later, She No Longer Knows What She's Defending
Nicole spent half her life arguing that America could heal public education through racial and economic integration. She'd interviewed countless people making that sacrifice. But ten years had passed and the school remained just as segregated and unequal as before. She said: If you make a sacrifice and change never comes, all you have left is the sacrifice itself—so what exactly am I defending? I don't know anymore. There was only one thing she refused to yield on: We did something immoral to Black children. That, she said, she would never compromise.
— NicoleIn their own words · checked verbatim
But I became a writer because I wanted society to change. So I always write in a way where I'm trying to persuade people by making a moral argument.
Nicole6:14
Like he's just putting a check mark. He's not checking her math. He's not correcting her. He's not teaching her. Every single one is wrong.
Nicole15:30
Farajji and I, we would have these discussions and we would be like, who are we? If like the moment it gets really rough, we give up. Then what do we do it for in the first place? And in the end, we just felt, we felt we couldn't abandon the rest of those kids.
Nicole17:33
And we were just shocked. Test scores were really low. Everything about the school was really low.
Nadja30:05
I'm like, I cannot believe this. Like my child came up with like the exact opposite of my life's work.
Nicole36:26
There's no benefit that came out of you putting me in those schools. There's no benefit at all.
Nadja45:53
And so what am I arguing for? I don't know. Anymore.
Nicole57:14
The base of the argument is that what we are doing to Black children is immoral. And that I'm not wavered on. I will not waver on.
Nicole58:19
Figures
| Number of high schools Nadja applied to | about 12 | 38:31 |
| Nadja's high school commute time | about 1 hour by subway | 38:31 |
Glossary
- HBCU
- Historically Black College or University, established in the United States specifically for African American students, such as Howard University.
- PWI
- Predominantly White Institution, a U.S. term for colleges and universities where white students are the majority.
How to listen
Parents concerned with education equity or wrestling with school choices, and readers who want real parent-child conflict rather than inspirational platitudes.
The host's opening introduction segment (0:00–1:05) offers little information and can be skipped; jump straight to the story.