Downgrade 'I'm a bad mother' from fact to thought, and interrupt the yelling that passes down generations
Change 'I'm a bad mother' to 'I'm having the thought that I'm a bad mother'—and emotion becomes just a thought instead of the truth. Enough to break the yelling pattern you inherited from your own mother, and let your child apologize first and tell you what matters.
The video won't play here. Listen to the audio instead:
The argument · timestamps estimated from transcript position
A book on the table drew scolding; she apologized for existing
Terese remembers her teenage years: her mother blamed her for almost everything, never her brother. She did homework at the kitchen table and got scolded for hogging it; she moved to the living room and got scolded there too. Finally she started studying at evening study hall—just to have somewhere safe to do her work. She describes the feeling as ‘sorry for existing’—sorry for taking up space, sorry for being a person at all.
— TereseHer job was not being loved—it was keeping her mother's emotions under control
Jen points out: Terese's real childhood job was keeping the peace—making sure her stressed, single mother in a small house wouldn't lose control. Terese confirms it: she was always ‘walking on eggshells’, finding ways to keep her mother from spiraling. It wasn't a childhood of being cared for; it was a child managing an adult's emotions.
— TereseFighting over a toy, she would have just taken it away before
Her two daughters fight over a pink unicorn—the one-year-old pushes and pulls, older daughter Freya won't share. Terese used to get angry and frustrated, so she'd just take the toy away and nobody plays. This time she tried something different: both kids want to play—can they play together? She suggests Freya find a game that includes her sister. Minutes later they're both feeding the unicorn and taking it on adventures.
— TereseAfter a fight, she goes back and apologizes—not silent treatment
When asked ‘what do you do when you don't handle it well?’, Terese says she goes back to her kids quickly, admits it was rough, and says she's sorry. She explains where her feelings came from, and sometimes figures out with them how to avoid it next time, and sometimes just talks about what happened. She's careful to say this also tells her kids: Mom is not perfect.
— TereseHer son apologized without being asked—unusual even in Norwegian culture
When his friend refuses him a hug, he threatens: ‘if you don't hug me, I won't come play tomorrow.’ His friend's mother responds: threats usually don't work, they just make people sadder. Without being asked, he says he's sorry—and says she doesn't have to hug him—then rides home. Terese says volunteering an apology is rare even in Norwegian culture, and she was surprised.
— TereseHe dares to report mistakes because he's never been yelled at for them
When asked how her son went from never talking about feelings to opening up, Terese says the core is that he trusts he can be himself without judgment. She gives an example: he accidentally hits another boy with a stick, comes home and tells her on his own, and she says ‘thank you for telling me’—even though she was actually angry. It's this repeated response that lets him know it's safe to confess a mistake—something she could never do in her own home.
— TereseReframe 'I'm a bad mother' from verdict to just a thought
Jen explains the tool Terese mentioned: when the voice says ‘I'm a bad mother,’ reframe it as ‘I'm having the thought that I'm a bad mother.’ This small shift moves it from a truth about who she is to a thought she can step back from and examine. She can see: I only slept two hours, of course I have no patience—instead of being sentenced by that voice.
— JenIn their own words · checked verbatim
I would come home I would start doing my homework at the kitchen table she would get mad at me for having the books on the table.
Terese4:16
I felt like I couldn't exist it was like I I was being sorry for existing and taking up space and being a human being.
Terese4:16
I am thinking I'm a bad mom I'm not a bad mom
Terese7:10
well you both have a need for play let's try to see if we can do this together
Terese9:21
well if you don't hug me then I'm not gonna come here and play tomorrow
Terese13:02
well making threats don't usually work and just make people sad
Terese13:02
she can change it to I'm thinking I'm a bad mom right it's a really small change but what you're doing is you're turning the voice into a thought instead of it being the truth about who she is.
Jen19:20
Figures
| Taming Your Triggers workshop duration | 10 weeks | 19:20 |
| Hours Terese slept the night of her emotional outburst | 2 | 7:10 |
Glossary
- Taming Your Triggers
- A 10-week workshop that helps parents identify and manage moments when they lose control emotionally while parenting
- repair
- When a parent goes back to their child after a conflict or emotional outburst, apologizes, and rebuilds connection
How to listen
Parents who yell at their kids and still hear their own mother's voice in their head—especially those who grew up in high-pressure single-parent homes.
The opening (0:00–3:14) and everything after 21:19 at the end are the show's self-introduction and how to submit—skip those.