Kids won't open up—not because you're not around, but because you're not approachable
Research shows whether kids confide in parents depends not on constant presence but on how you respond in low-pressure moments like drives and walks—calm reactions build trust; probing questions shut them down.
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Approachability matters more than mere presence in determining whether kids confide
Research finds kids are more willing to confide in parents they perceive as *approachable* rather than merely *present*. Kids make moment-to-moment judgments about whether a topic is safe to disclose, and the connections built in low-stakes daily moments—side by side in the car, on walks, cooking dinner—actually predict whether kids will open up when stakes are high. If you react strongly to everything or turn every comment into a lecture or interrogation, you become less approachable; kids won't volunteer anything next time.
— Dr. Elisa PressmanYour reaction to each confession determines whether kids will confide again
Example: a daughter mentions something that happened on Snapchat in passing. Her mom has three possible reactions—anger about using Snapchat, excitement and ‘then what?’ probing, or quiet patience while the daughter fills the silences herself. Only the third mom gets more disclosures, because the first two make the daughter feel unsafe sharing: whether it's ‘that's awful, what time was this?’ criticism or ‘oh my god, then what?’ over-investment, both send the signal ‘I'm too emotionally tied to this,’ which just teaches kids to stay silent next time.
— Dr. Elisa PressmanParent like a cat—present but unbothered—not like a dog seeking approval
Young kids do want parents to react like tail-wagging dogs—excited about their stories. But as kids age, parents need to become more like cats—present but unbothered, like ‘I'm here, but you're not my whole world.’ Shift your goal from ‘gathering information’ to ‘building relationship’: not extracting a full report of their day, but nurturing the habit of kids seeking you out to talk. Concretely, this means pausing, giving less response than you want to give, and waiting for the kid to fill the silence—not rushing to finish their story for them.
— Dr. Elisa PressmanDaily casual check-ins work better than interrogating kids about their pain
Parents are most tempted to ‘interview for pain’ when a kid is struggling and they want to know more—zeroing in on the wound and then asking, ‘so what happened with that awful thing?’ Better to do daily ‘check-ins’ without digging deep each time. Countless tiny moments of connection add up to more than one deep talk where you extract everything, because you're building a long-term relationship, not a data collection. Different kids have different rhythms: some need daily micro-interactions; others stockpile until one moment when they dump it all out. Both are normal and neither is better.
— Dr. Elisa PressmanUse games and specific word rules to break kids past autopilot responses
If your kid perpetually answers ‘fine,’ ‘okay,’ ‘good enough,’ make the question specific and pressure-free: agree they have to answer with three words starting with a certain letter, and banned answers like ‘fine’ don't count. This breaks the tedious loop and forces a different expression. If they resist, just ask directly: how do you want me to ask you, what would you actually want to share? Turn ‘pumping for information’ into ‘I want to understand you the way you'd like to be understood.’
— Dr. Elisa PressmanYou're the emotional trash can; don't ruminate about what they dump
Driving without eye contact, or doing an activity not designed for talking, are famous kid-disclosure settings because they lower the privacy barrier yet you're not face-to-face. Expert Lisa Damour says parents are essentially an emotional ‘trash container’ and ‘garbage truck’ for kids—kids dump what's burdening them and move on. Parents, meanwhile, are still ruminating and want to follow up. Unless it's genuinely dangerous or harmful, you don't need to do anything; kids have already processed it.
— Dr. Elisa PressmanWhen safety matters, ask what you need—not what you're curious about
When a kid's safety is genuinely at risk (like party details), you do need to know more, but distinguish ‘need-to-know’ from ‘gossip-to-know.’ You don't need to know who's dating whom, what they're using, what time curfew is. You need to know what specific temptations your kid faces, where the risks are, and what their exit plan is. Similarly, when a kid is evasive or a school calls with a problem, don't open with ‘we need to talk,’ which terrifies them. Explain what it's about first, ask when they're free to talk, and only set a time if you must.
— Dr. Elisa PressmanYou're not your kid's best friend, and you shouldn't be one
People hear ‘my kid is my best friend’ and feel envious, but it reminds us: parent-child relationships aren't and shouldn't be peer relationships. Kids don't need to reciprocally share everything and manage your emotions to be close to you. They can confide in you, but you can't confide in them the same way. Once you let go of the urge to be their best friend, you can actually appreciate it if they have mentors, aunts, uncles, coaches—other trustworthy adults they can talk to. That's the real luxury now, because modern parenting isn't like ‘the whole village raises the child’ anymore.
— Dr. Elisa PressmanIn their own words · checked verbatim
kids share more with parents who are perceived as approachable, not just available.
Dr. Elisa Pressman2:02
That third version of mom is going to get more disclosure than the one who's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, you were on Snapchat? This is so bad. What time was it? That mom is not getting disclosure because it's not safe.
Dr. Elisa Pressman3:04
when your kids are young, they do want you to have like a dog wagging your tail excitement about stories that they tell you. But as they get older, you need to have the cat nonchalance of just sort of like, I'm here, but like, it's not my everything.
Dr. Elisa Pressman5:04
we do what's known as interviewing for pain. We talked about this actually on an episode with Lori Gottlieb. And so we don't want to interview for pain. We want to check in.
Dr. Elisa Pressman6:07
So you could say, okay, I'm going to ask you how your day was and you can answer it with three words that start with a B.
Dr. Elisa Pressman11:17
Lisa DeMoore often says we are sort of the container, the garbage container and garbage collector, especially in adolescence for some of the stuff that's just weighing on them.
Dr. Elisa Pressman18:37
I want to remind you, you aren't their best friend. You might be someday, but right now it's not a reciprocal relationship where you're both besties disclosing everything to each other.
Dr. Elisa Pressman24:48
Glossary
- interviewing for pain
- A therapy term for identifying a child's emotional wound and then repeatedly probing for details about it.
- Goldilocks principle
- From the fairytale, describes a response that is neither over-the-top nor dismissive, but perfectly calibrated—just right.
How to listen
Parents of kids in late elementary through high school who struggle to get them talking—especially those who tend to bombard kids with questions.
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