Kids Demanding iPhones Are Really After Inclusion
Sociologist Stacy Kim says jealousy itself is a neutral signal: you only envy people close enough to you, people you genuinely care about. Learn to stop watching the other person and instead ask about the feeling itself—that's how you turn jealousy into action.
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Korean has two jealousy words, English has one
Kim discovered that moving between Korea and the US revealed a crucial difference: Korean has two words for jealousy—시기 (Shigi) for malicious envy, rarely spoken aloud, and 부러워/푸러워 (Puro) meaning roughly ‘I also want to be like you’, which actually opens conversation and invites a response like ‘you can do it too’. English, and most English-speaking cultures, have only one word for jealousy, bound by association to ‘the seven deadly sins,’ which makes Americans reluctant to discuss it openly. German, Dutch, Russian, Thai, and Chinese all have two words for jealousy. Spanish and English are rare exceptions with only one.
— Stacy KimThe person you envy must be someone you can reach
Kim identifies a rule about who triggers envy: an orchestra cellist doesn't envy Yo-Yo Ma but admires him—he's unreachable. True envy targets the ‘principal’ one chair ahead, close enough to grasp. This explains why sibling rivalry runs so deep: similar resources, closest distance. People envy friends, not celebrities. Envy only strikes in domains you genuinely care about—a cellist won't envy a tennis-champion friend. The pattern itself is information: what you envy, you can probably reach.
— Stacy KimJealousy is not a weakened version of envy; it's a different emotion
Kim clarifies an often-confused distinction. Jealousy (as a psychological term) requires three parties—the fear that someone important will transfer their attention, love, or admiration to a third party. Envy, by contrast, is wanting something someone else possesses that you lack. She illustrates with her own experience: in Korean culture, as an older sister to her younger brother who holds the status of 장손 (Jangson), the special position of the family's eldest male, she felt jealous of the extra attention he received. But she also envied his status—both emotions ran simultaneously.
— Stacy KimSIREN: four questions about what jealousy really wants
Kim offers a tool called SIREN to disassemble jealousy: Similar goals, related domain, negative emotion, and most critically—‘the feeling behind the desire’. She illustrates with her daughter: the girl demands an iPhone, but deeper conversation reveals she doesn't actually want the device itself; she wants inclusion, the feeling of belonging with her peers. Another example: Kim envies a friend's renovated kitchen but can't renovate her own, so she buys an air fryer instead. Not recreating the whole kitchen, but finding an alternate path to that same feeling of ‘convenience’. The jealousy subsides when the underlying feeling is addressed, not when you acquire the exact object.
— Stacy KimHigh achievement and competitive environments breed jealousy more easily
Kim references her conversations with researcher Robert Leahy: both observed in their clinical practices that jealousy surfaces more frequently among high-achievers and people in competitive environments—because they're constantly measuring themselves against others. Regarding whether women experience jealousy more than men, the research evidence is actually insufficient. The popular belief that ‘women are more envious’ persists more as conventional wisdom than fact; a more likely explanation is simply that women are more willing than men to admit feeling jealous.
— Stacy KimWatch the desire itself, not the person
Kim identifies the boundary between malicious and benign jealousy: if your attention fixates on ‘that person’—wishing they'd lose what they have, or wanting to pull them down—the emotion trends malicious. But if attention centers on ‘the thing I want’ itself, jealousy becomes benign and mobilizing. For parents: guide children away from ‘who won the competition, who got the lead role’ and toward ‘what did they do to earn it?’ Treat the other person as a reference point toward your goal, not as an opponent to defeat.
— Stacy KimWhen college admissions are rigged, look at who's beside you and behind you
Kim acknowledges that some contexts do contain structural unfairness—opaque admissions rules, people who leverage external advantages to sidestep the system. In those cases, simply ‘learning from the other person’ won't suffice. Her alternative: remember that on that upward ladder, people stand beside you and behind you, also reaching up. Humans habitually watch only one rung up, forgetting those below. ‘Linking arms’ with your neighbors—pulling each other up—may create limited change, but the act itself fills you with purpose rather than trapping you in ‘this is unfair.’
— Stacy KimUsed to envy the neighbor next door; now the phone compares 24/7
Social media has fundamentally altered the frequency of jealousy triggers: historically, people envied neighbors—those living in their world, nearby and visible. Now, unlocking your phone exposes you constantly to friends, acquaintances, even strangers' curated lives. The World Happiness Report shows Americans becoming less happy overall, with adolescent girls hit hardest. The issue isn't social comparison itself; it's the volume spinning out of control. The solution remains unchanged: learn to name ‘this is jealousy’, then ask what it's trying to tell you.
— Stacy KimIn their own words · checked verbatim
You're going to admire Yo-Yo Ma, but he's too way, way far ahead of you. Right. Your second chair, you're going to envy your first chair.
Stacy Kim7:17
it requires three parties. So it's when you feel like you're going to lose the attention of somebody that you care about to somebody else
Stacy Kim12:35
it wasn't really the iPhone that she wanted when we talked about it, it was the fact that everyone else had one and she felt left out and she wanted that sense, that feeling of belonging.
Stacy Kim15:45
the more we can remove the shame of envy, we can start doing something about it. And, you know, I argue that you can harness it for good.
Stacy Kim22:04
But if you're more focused on the what it is that you want, then it becomes more benign.
Stacy Kim22:04
there are people next to you on the ladder and people behind you on that social ladder, whatever that ladder is. And we are just kind of wired to always look up at the next rung.
Stacy Kim25:11
before we could be envious, you know, of the Joneses, right. They're next door, they're in our world. We see them and then we feel envious. But now, you know, at the palm of our hands, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, anytime we want, we open our phone and we can like see all these opportunities to envy.
Stacy Kim27:20
Figures
| Kim's father's birth order | First of eight children | 13:41 |
Glossary
- SIREN / SIREN jealousy framework
- A four-component tool to unpack jealousy: similar goals, related domain, negative emotion, and the feeling behind the desire.
- benign envy / malicious envy
- Psychological distinction between two types of jealousy—benign envy motivates upward growth; malicious envy seeks to pull down the other person.
- 시기 (Shigi) / malicious envy
- The Korean word for malicious jealousy, rarely spoken aloud in public.
- 부러워 (Puro) / I admire you
- A Korean expression of benign jealousy, spoken directly to the person being envied, often inviting connection rather than conflict.
- 장손 (Jangson) / family eldest son
- A Korean cultural term for the eldest male in the family line, granted special status and responsibilities.
How to listen
Parents and educators who want to understand the psychology of jealousy and don't know how to respond to children's feelings of admiration or envy toward their classmates.
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