Nonviolent Communication
Underneath the blame is a need
Hearing the half that was not said
Nonviolent Communication, chapters 5 and 6
Somebody is shouting at you. Underneath the words they are asking for something. This is how to get that half out.
What actually happened?
His central claim is that every criticism, attack and judgement is a tragic expression of an unmet need. Speaking at the Deheisha refugee camp, he was called a murderer to his face, because American-made tear gas canisters had been used there. He did not defend himself. He asked whether the man was furious, and needed his family's safety to be understood. The man stopped, then talked for an hour, and by the end of the evening had invited Rosenberg home for a Ramadan meal. Nothing was conceded and nothing was argued. The need under the shouting was simply said out loud.
The words are an accusation, underneath is a gap
All you care about is work reads as a judgement. Underneath it is a need to matter to you. Answer the words and you are in a debate about whether that is true. Answer the need and the direction changes. One sentence, two layers, two destinations.
When a colleague says your department never cooperates, do not start listing evidence. Ask whether they are stuck waiting on something.
Keep feelings apart from judgements
I feel that you do not respect me is not a feeling, it is a judgement in a feeling's clothing, and the subject has slid over to the other person. I am upset is a feeling: the subject is you, and nobody can deny it. Where the subject sits decides everything.
Swap I feel brushed off for I am anxious about this. The first assigns a motive, the second reports a state.
A request must be concrete enough to refuse
Could you make a bit more effort is not a request, because nobody knows what would count as doing it. Send me one line before the meeting is. A vague request fails, and after it fails both sides believe more firmly that saying things changes nothing.
Replace be more involved at home with you do the Wednesday school run. The first is a complaint, the second is something that can be agreed.
How do I use it today?
Where you are: somebody is blaming you and your first instinct is to answer the charge.
Ask first: what is the thing underneath this sentence that they want? What happens if you say that out loud before anything else?
Where it goes wrong: using translate the need as a way of never accepting criticism. Some accusations mean exactly what they say, and the thing really was done badly.
Lines to keep
All criticism is a tragic expression of an unmet need.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
Everything we do is in service of our needs.
Same situation, other people are asking
Do I fight the way he fights?They hold every card and reasoning with them changes nothing.They came at me hard. Is the thing that set them off even true?He's attacking me and I want to answer with facts.Someone is being unreasonable · all 6 questions →If this one named what you are going through,
send it to someone who needs it, or keep it somewhere you will find it again.