Reading people
Nonviolent Communication
Observation first
Nonviolent Communication (1999 · Marshall Rosenberg) — Observation first.
What actually happened?
He traced the whole project back to being ten years old in Detroit in 1943, during the race riots, when the family stayed indoors for days while people were killed in the streets outside. When school started again he was beaten for his name. Two questions came out of that summer and he spent fifty years on them: what happens to people that lets them turn violent, and what is it that some people have that keeps them compassionate even then. He trained under Carl Rogers, and the method he eventually wrote down is an answer to the second question rather than the first.
Observation and evaluation have to be separated
You were late three times this week is an observation and there is nothing in it to dispute. You are always late is an evaluation and has to be disputed. Most conversations are lost on the opening sentence, because the speaker believes they are reporting a fact and the listener receives an accusation.
Change you do not care about this project into you were not at three of this week's meetings. Same event, one provokes defence and one provokes explanation.
A feeling is not a thought
I feel that you do not respect me is not a feeling, it is a judgement wrapped in one. The feeling is I am upset. The difference is the subject: a feeling is about me, a judgement is about you, and as soon as the subject slides across, the other person can only defend.
Being ignored, in I feel ignored, is a claim about somebody else's behaviour. I am disappointed reports your own state, and nobody can contradict it.
There is a need underneath the blame
His central claim is that all blame is an inept expression of a need that has not been met. Underneath how can you be so selfish there is usually I need to be seen. Take blame at face value and you argue on the surface forever. Bring the need up and the conflict often deflates on the spot.
When a partner says all you care about is work, the surface is an accusation and the need is company. Answer the need instead of the accusation and the direction changes immediately.
A request has to be something you could refuse
Could you show me a bit more respect is not a request, because nobody could tell you what would count as complying. Could you tell me before the meeting starts is. Vague requests fail, and after they fail both sides are more certain than before that saying anything is pointless.
Change be more involved at home into can you do the Wednesday school run. The first is a complaint, the second is something that can be accepted or declined.
How do I use it today?
Before the argument starts, run what you are about to say through the four steps. What is the specific fact I saw, with no always or never in it? What am I feeling, with myself as the subject? What do I actually need? What exactly am I asking this person to do? Speak once all four have answers.
Deep read
Read alongside
Further
Lines to keep
Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.
All criticism is a tragic expression of an unmet need.
Everything we do is in service of our needs.