Family and relationships
Carl Rogers
Held first
Carl Rogers (1902–1987 · United States) — Held first.
What actually happened?
In 1956 he and B. F. Skinner set out their disagreement in public, and Science printed it. Skinner's position was that behaviour is shaped by its consequences whether or not anyone admits it, so the honest course is to design the shaping well. Rogers did not answer that control fails; he granted that it works. He answered that a person is not raw material, and that what should be engineered is the conditions in which people choose, not a better set of levers. Almost everything else he wrote is a working out of that one refusal.
Unconditional is not without standards
It means acceptance is not withdrawn because of what you said, not that whatever you do is fine. The person is accepted; the behaviour still gets judged. Get that right and people will tell you the truth, because the truth no longer costs them the relationship.
A child owns up. Take the telling first, then deal with the damage. In the other order he does not tell you next time.
Empathy is restating until they nod
For Rogers empathy is not the sentence I understand how you feel; it is putting the other person's meaning back in your own words until he confirms it. And the effect is not only that he feels understood — often he is hearing what he means for the first time.
When a friend is pouring it out, hold the advice and start with so what you mean is. After two corrections the thing is frequently clear to him.
Genuineness outranks technique
Of the three conditions he rated congruence highest: the therapist cannot act. Performed acceptance gets detected, and it does more damage than plain non-acceptance, because it also says you are not worth the truth from me. Skill raises the ceiling; performed skill destroys the floor.
Empathic phrasing over private impatience will be heard for what it is. I am in a bad state, let us talk later, is the more honest instrument.
People do not need pushing, they need releasing
His premise is that people tend towards their own development, and that being stuck is usually not missing drive but conditions in the environment — you are worth something if you are like this. Take the conditions away and the direction appears by itself.
With someone who has gone flat, ask what is in the way rather than what the goal is. Most often what is in the way is the fear of being wrong in public.
How do I use it today?
To get the truth out of someone, first make sure that telling it cannot cost them the relationship. To help them think, put their meaning back in your own words until they say yes, that is it. And when you cannot manage genuine acceptance, say you are in a bad state rather than act it.
Deep read
Read alongside
Further
Lines to keep
What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly.