The More You Comfort Them, the Worse They Melt Down: Naming the Hard Feeling Is What Works
Our instinct is to hold more, kiss more, distract — to fix the child in the moment — and it never once fixes anything. Janet's answer is to say the feeling the child is probably having out loud for them, even when they can't say what's wrong themselves.
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The antidote isn't soothing, it's saying the hard thing out loud
The mother teaches at this school, her four-year-old daughter attends with her, and for three weeks drop-off has gotten worse and worse: crying, screaming, running out the door after her, even kicking, biting, and banging on the cafeteria's glass door, and she's been told the child can't come to early drop-off this Thursday and Friday. Janet says what's truly unusual here is that the mother is right there in the building but unavailable — and what this episode is about is the one thing missing in every situation, a counterintuitive move: say the feeling the child is probably having out loud, lay it on the table — "You really want to be with me, and I know it's hard that I'm right over there." It's hard, hard for a lot of children. It isn't a magic wand; it's the path to things getting better.
— Janet LansburyAt your own workplace door, the more you comfort, the more control you lose
Janet points out that the child is melting down at her mother's own workplace, which makes it especially awkward and pushes her to keep adding more: one more hug, one more kiss, walk you to the office to clock in, one more trip to the bathroom. These are "what most of us do out of instinct," nothing to be ashamed of, they just don't work. Every time, parents tell themselves "maybe this is the last thing, maybe this time it'll fix it," and it never once fixes it — the child still ends up wailing as she watches her leave. Janet says how annoying and how unfair this is as a parent. She also notices that usually one parent has a harder time letting go, often the mother, while the father is more businesslike and can hold the boundary more comfortably.
— Janet LansburyPlay works, distraction doesn't
Janet deliberately separates two things that often get lumped together. Play usually comes from our grasp of the situation, so it works; distraction doesn't come from there, so she doesn't recommend it — it means we don't have a grasp of ourselves. But whether it's play or any other transition trick, she says nothing is as steady, as long-lasting, and as nourishing to the relationship as "going to the hardest place and laying it on the table." She calls this the path to things getting better, and she says it flat out: she's willing to say it is always the path there. It won't work instantly like a magic wand.
— Janet LansburyYou don't have to agree with the child's view — it's real
Janet stresses again and again that the child doesn't know why they're so upset either, and that doesn't matter. When the parent says it out loud, the child gets a bit of confirmation: this isn't me making it up, my feeling is accepted and allowed. She admits it won't make the child feel better right away, but a child who feels seen and accepted will heal. As for where to start, use the clues the child hands you: the cafeteria is cold, the cafeteria is loud, not wanting to let go of you. She says the child's view isn't necessarily correct, but it's real and it's his own, and you can't change it or dodge it, so you might as well accept it. Only after accepting it is there room to make a plan together with the child.
— Janet LansburyAccept the child fully first, only then can you be firm
The order matters: first welcome the feelings, open the door and let them out, and only then make a plan with the child — how many kisses, how many hugs, what special signal, whether big sister can walk you to the classroom. Janet asks, where does the parent's firmness come from? From having fully accepted the child's situation, because that's how you feel honest, real, and on solid ground. So this isn't a contest of willpower, and it isn't about proving something to the child — those things interfere with our motivation to do this, and with the good feeling we owe ourselves. She says the more of that firmness you have, the faster this stretch goes.
— Janet LansburyEvery transition turns up every old one
Dad's business trip, the new cat at home, a change of school — Janet says all transitions stir up a lot of feeling, and children's emotional expression and behavior look especially exaggerated during these periods because every transition they've been through gets turned up. This child has several pressing on her at once. She adds one detail of practice: include big sister in the plan you make with your daughter, let her walk little sister to the classroom or the activity group; big sister is going through a new school year herself, and doing this will let her feel she's helping and has power.
— Janet LansburyHair-pulling at 21 months: talk about the situation first
The second case comes from Instagram: a 21-month-old pulls her own hair when frustrated, tired, or bored; the parents judge it to be self-soothing and see it's connected to life changes over the past month, which will continue for another four to six weeks this season. Janet's reply: say the difficulty of the transition out loud to her, "It must be so hard when...", not to get an answer but so she feels less alone. She specifies: not while the child is pulling her hair, but at another time. Substitutes like a frozen teething gel or a pull-string toy can be there, but only after the situation has been named, and invite the child to take part — she's only 21 months, so however much she can participate is enough.
— Janet LansburyThe detail you feel you shouldn't mention is the one to mention
Janet's test is blunt: no detail is too small to mention, no topic is off-limits; the very places where you feel "I can't bring this up" are where saying it helps most. A new school, a new home, Dad going on a trip, Mom being away for a while — all worth saying ahead of time, and saying clearly what it might feel like then. She closes by saying we won't necessarily like every side of ourselves we see in this process, but this is always a process, it's progress, and progress isn't a straight line — it swings back and forth; but bit by bit, we get clearer about where we want to stand.
— Janet LansburyIn their own words · checked verbatim
The advice I offer isn't going to be a magic fixer, but it's going to be the most helpful thing that we can do that isn't intuitive for most of us. It's not our go-to, and so we need reminders, right?
Janet Lansbury0:00
which is speaking to those possible and very likely feelings that her child may be having. Putting it all out into the open.
Janet Lansbury4:15
Usually playfulness does come from a place of confidence in us. That's why it works. But nothing works as consistently and as long term, and in a way that's as relationship building, as the simple idea of going there, going to that hard stuff and bringing it out in the open.
Janet Lansbury8:24
It heals for a child to feel seen and accepted.
Janet Lansbury9:31
Kids always have a valid point of view. We don't have to agree with it. But it's valid, because it's real, and it's theirs.
Janet Lansbury10:33
And us feeling that conviction and the best route to feeling conviction as a parent and what we're doing is to have already accepted our child's point of view wholeheartedly.
Janet Lansbury12:39
It's like every transition they've ever been in gets tapped into.
Janet Lansbury14:47
Nothing is too small a detail. Nothing is off limits to bring up. In fact, if it feels off limits, that's when it will really help us to bring it up.
Janet Lansbury19:58
Figures
| Age of the child in the first case | 4 (turned 4 in July) | 1:04 |
| How long drop-off has been getting worse | Three weeks into the new school year, and it's getting worse | 1:04 |
| Days of early drop-off suspended | This Thursday and Friday | 2:07 |
| Age of the child in the second case | 21 months | 15:53 |
| Expected duration of the life changes | Four to six weeks | 16:56 |
Glossary
- drop-off
- The moment in the morning when you bring your child to school or preschool and say goodbye
- pre-K
- In the U.S. school system, the year before kindergarten, usually entered at age 4
- Pandora's box
- Janet's image for the out-of-control feeling once hard feelings are laid on the table — which also brings freedom
How to listen
Parents whose drop-offs dissolve every morning; especially teachers and staff who work at the school their own child attends.
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