Documentary director says: there is no typical old age, only specific people
Fan Shiguang, who shot two seasons of Qianlang, says most marriages end up lukewarm or worse, and growing old together to the very end is rare; what we lack most is not stories, but money, and the willingness to see old people as specific human beings.
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Five million in inheritance, and the law fights the dying wish
An elderly person living alone in Shanghai died in a nursing home. Before death she had made a voluntary guardianship notarization with notary Li Chengyang, but had not made a will. While clearing her belongings, the notary found she had left five million in inheritance, including a house, cash and bankbooks. The old person had said many times orally that she wanted to donate it to society and did not want to give it to relatives, but this wish had no legal form. Li Chengyang ultimately chose to follow the law and look for statutory heirs, finding long-unseen relatives and children through archives. There was disagreement inside the notary office too; some colleagues thought the old person's wishes should be respected directly. The compromise was to propose to the inheriting children that 200,000 of the five million be donated to a fund helping old people with no one to rely on, and the children agreed.
— RuohanWhether they slept together decides whether the inheritance can be given
An elderly man with a terminal illness gave voluntary guardianship and his inheritance to a woman who had cared for him for years and was not a relative, while he had a biological daughter. The notary office debated this fiercely, and one key point was whether the two slept together: if they did not sleep together, the caregiver was just a nanny or a live-in auntie, and the old man wanting to give his inheritance to a nanny seemed acceptable in terms of moral decency; if there was a sexual relationship, the matter immediately became less decent. The caregiver herself had a marriage, but had not been in contact for years, so in fact it did not exist. So this became an open relationship question, and the notary office did not want to bear the risk of offending decency because of such a judgment.
— QingOld people finding partners again increasingly do not register the marriage
The protagonist of the second episode, Li Kangmei, was with Lao Li for eighteen years, from beginning to end without registering the marriage, and without a de facto marital relationship. The hosts found this situation is much more common than imagined: after divorce or losing a first marriage, many old people choose not to marry when entering a relationship again. They do not necessarily say they love this person very much, but say they want someone to accompany them, someone to care for them, and behind it is a relatively deep need for loneliness. Lao Li already had a terminal illness at the time, and Li Kangmei's choice was whether to stay to the last moment, or leave early because there was no de facto marital relationship.
— RuohanReality shows force you to pick a side every five minutes
The hosts contrast documentaries with reality shows: in reality shows much of the tension is manufactured, behind it a very strong narrative, for example knowing the audience has views about mama's boys, so they fabricate a mama's boy in the film. This destroys the audience's acceptance of the complexity of real intimate relationships — every plot point comes out, every five minutes you need a stance, and this stance must be the morally most correct one, then projected onto some character, and no matter where he goes you stand with him. Documentaries do the opposite: they show that everyone has it hard, some characters have more screen time and some less, but you can see everyone's difficulties, and many of the characters appear pixelated and anonymous.
— QingThe older generation says I sleep badly, not I am depressed
Medical anthropologist Kleinman found that young people today have a rich psychological vocabulary and can quickly say I am depressed, I am anxious, I am a bit bipolar; but older people, even when expressing psychological needs, still use somatized language — I have been sleeping badly lately, I have a bit of a headache, and will not say I sleep badly because I think too much, I am a bit depressed. The hosts explain: in our culture, talking about physical pain is easier, everyone can have a headache or a cold, there is no stigma; once you talk about depression and anxiety, it is another level of stigma and pain.
— RuohanThe killed subject: she just wanted to play mahjong
Director Fan Shiguang told a story he killed himself: the most diligent auntie in the hospice ward, whose husband had bladder cancer and not much time left, took the bus every day, arriving at seven or eight in the morning and leaving at five or six in the evening, like going to work, but you could not see love on her face, only repeatedly asking doctors and nurses how much longer other people's family members had. Later it was learned that her son had died of a heart attack two years earlier, she was a shidu family, and her tears may have run dry two years earlier. Someone asked her what she wanted to do after her husband died, and she said she wanted to play mahjong, because he had never let her play before. The first scene shot after the husband died was her finding workers to smash the legs of a two-meter bed one by one with a sledgehammer, and buying a mahjong table to put in that spot. This story was ultimately not used, because the team could not find her true inner world, and only grasped part of the facts.
— Fan ShiguangGrowing old together is rare, not the norm
Fan Shiguang said the team did field research on about fifty families, across two seasons, and found that from youth to truly growing old together to the very end is not the norm, it is rare, most marriages are lukewarm, or even bad. He told of the first season's episode Ai Ren: an old man with Alzheimer's lost control and hit his wife, the daughter forcibly sent him to a specialized nursing home, and the old woman sneaked off to see him every few days, but the hospital would not let her come because it would affect the old man's mood. After the old man was sent to the hospital critically ill, the old woman finally got the chance to serve him, cutting his nails, washing his hair, washing his feet. More than a month after the old man died, the old woman said through tears, I looked down on him my whole life, when I was young I studied well and he studied poorly, my family was an intellectual family and his family was a worker family, he insisted on pursuing me, and I had no way out, and in the end I muddled through a lifetime with him.
— Fan ShiguangLearning to drive at 95, one sentence strips away the right
Fan Shiguang said the team worked hard to break stereotypes, because people always love to divide into groups and stick labels — old people are like this, they are just confused, and there is deep prejudice in this. In the first season there was a story of a 95-year-old grandpa learning to drive and taking the driving test; he thought about it and realized he had subconsciously said "driving is good, but after all he is 95", then asked himself: a 95-year-old in my sentence has actually been stripped of rights, that is, he does not deserve it. Public Security Ministry laws and regulations also do not say a 95-year-old cannot learn to drive, but in verbal violence the right is stripped away. The film's bullet comments said a lot about whether this old man can drive on the road, too selfish, what if he hits someone, and these worries are all built on prejudice.
— Fan ShiguangIn their own words · checked verbatim
Whether they slept together, just slept together, why is this detail key, because if they did not sleep together, this caregiver is merely, say, a nanny or a live-in auntie for this terminally ill elderly man, such a role, then this old man wanting to give the inheritance to the nanny, this matter seems acceptable, in terms of moral decency, but if the old man and this caregiver have a sexual relationship, immediately the matter becomes not so decent.
他们是不是睡在一起 就睡在一起 这个细节为什么关键 是因为如果他们没有睡在一起 这个照护者他仅仅只是 比如说这位得了绝症的 这位老年男性的一个保姆 或者说一个住家阿姨 这样的一个角色 那这个老人他希望把这个遗产 给到保姆 这个事情似乎是可以接受的 从这种道德风化上来说 但是如果老人跟这个照护者 之间是有性关系的 一下子这个事情就变得 没有那么的符合风化
Qing12:14
It seems like every plot point comes out, every five minutes I need a stance, and this stance is very unshakable, it must be the morally most correct stance.
好像每一个情节出来 每五分钟 我就需要有一个立场 而且这个立场 它非常的坚不可摧 一定是道德上 最正确的那个立场
Qing24:46
She will say I have been sleeping badly lately, will say a bit of a headache, but she will not say I sleep badly because I think too much, a bit depressed, or I am overly anxious.
她会说我最近睡得不好 会说有点头疼 但她不会说我睡得不好 不好是因为我想的太多 有点抑郁或者说我焦虑过度
Ruohan34:20
He said I want to play mahjong, people asked why, he said he never let me play mahjong before.
他说我想搓麻将 人家说为啥呢 他说他之前从来不让我搓麻将
Fan Shiguang45:29
Actually from youth to truly growing old together, reaching the end is not the norm, it is rare, reaching the end, most marriages are lukewarm, or even bad.
其实从年轻到真正白头偕老 走到最后的不是常态 是凤毛麟角 走到最后 就大多数的婚姻状态 都是不嫌不淡的 甚至是不好的
Fan Shiguang52:28
He said when I was young, I studied well, he studied poorly, my family conditions were also good, his family conditions were just a worker family, we were an intellectual family.
他说年纪轻的时候 我是学习很好的 他学习很差的 我家庭条件也很好的 他家庭条件就是个工人家庭 我们是知识分子家庭
Fan Shiguang54:35
Ask yourself, a 95-year-old, in my sentence, has actually been stripped of rights, that is, he does not deserve it. Public Security Ministry laws and regulations also do not say a 95-year-old cannot learn to drive, but in our verbal violence, I actually stripped away his rights.
问自己 95岁的人 在我这句话里边 其实都被剥夺了权利了 就是他不配 公安部的法律法规 也没有说95岁的人不能学车 但是在我们的言语暴力里边 其实我就把他的权利给剥夺了
Fan Shiguang1:04:42
Once you have this label, actually all people, they will be summarized into a prison, you lock them all into a prison, with one word after another, it is all a kind of violence.
你一旦有了这个标签之后 其实所有的人 他就会被归纳为成一个监狱 你都把他们关到了一个监狱里边 用一个又一个的词语 他都是一种暴力
Fan Shiguang1:05:43
Figures
| Inheritance left by the elderly person living alone | 5 million (including house, cash, bankbooks) | 4:08 |
| Donated from the inheritance to the support fund | 200,000 | 6:09 |
| Time Li Kangmei and Lao Li were together | 18 years | 16:16 |
| Debt from Li Yuan's mother being scammed by online loans | 5 million | 48:29 |
| Number of families in Fan Shiguang's field research | About 50 couples (two seasons combined) | 52:28 |
| Year voluntary guardianship was written into the Civil Code | 2021 | 1:00:39 |
| Year the team began filming voluntary guardianship | 2022 | 1:00:39 |
| Aging proportion in some local Shanghai communities | Nearly half, 40%-50% | 42:26 |
| Age of the grandpa learning to drive | 95 | 1:04:42 |
Glossary
- Voluntary guardianship
- An adult with full civil capacity designates a guardian in advance in writing, who performs duties after incapacitation.
- Somatization
- Expressing psychological pain as physical symptoms, such as using poor sleep or headache instead of depression and anxiety.
- Shidu family
- A family whose only child has died and the parents no longer have children.
- Empty-nest elderly
- Old people whose children are not nearby and who live alone as a couple, common among highly educated families in big cities.
How to listen
Listeners following aging, caregiving, family systems and documentary filmmaking; people in elder care, insurance, legal services and content industries can treat the second-half director interview directly as a methodology for choosing subjects.
0:11-3:53 opening setup and impressions, you can start directly from the inheritance story at 4:08.